*Note to readers not familiar with the bizarre results of liberal programs and policies: many of the occurrences alluded to in this article aren’t fictitious. Although humorous they are factual.
I regret being the bearer of ill tidings to you foolish conservatives and libertarians. However, be glad it is I, the world’s foremost compassionate liberal, stepping forward to lighten your darkness. Most socialists would smirk in satisfaction at their superior knowledge while delivering this message. I’m not that sort of socialist and nary a smirk will emanate from me. I don’t want to say you are dumb, but you obviously are. As a socialist and a Democrat I have access to information you lack. Before listing a series of facts that prove beyond any doubt all cultures are equal, I shall list the irrefutable sources I have at my disposal.
A: Oral history/tradition – We liberals are not limited by the mere historical record on which to base our facts. We accept the tales told by people we find acceptable.
B: Eubonics – As a Democrat, I’m well versed in this language of the field hand and can translate it to obtain the truth I want. Most of you wouldn’t realize the ancient Egyptians were black and had wings to fly around the pyramids without the average Democrat’s ability to speak Eubonics.
C: Reverend Farrakhan – Because Bill Clinton was the first Negro president, Louie Farrakhan had his space ship friends beam special information down to liberals such as myself.
D: Believe what is Politically Correct – Because a socialist’s self-chosen and self-serving belief is morally superior to any religious beliefs or thousands of years-old traditions. We are not constrained by the silly morality of right and wrong that limits you. We are allowed to write books, make up facts and have propaganda publications such as the “New York Times” and most Harvard professors claim we’re truthful.
F: Even Mother Earth reveals her secrets to us.
And now, the irrefutable facts that other cultures are equally valid:
1. Leading Eskimo researchers would have developed penicillin within three weeks if evil white Europeans hadn’t discovered them. The barbarous whites destroyed their igloo laboratories with the laser guns the black Egyptians had mistakenly left on the ground while they were soaring over the pyramids.
2. The trend setting and advanced fashion statement made by Ubangi tribesmen would be all the rage today if Ken Starr and the evil white Republicans in America hadn’t framed Web Hubble.
3. The Aztec nation was on the verge of giving up the practice of sacrificing enemies and wearing their skins so they could all convert to Judaism. Their switch in religion was under the claim of being the first of the lost tribes. But the evil white Christian Hernando Cortez interfered with this process when he conquered them using guns. This invention was stolen by other evil white Europeans from the semi-good Chinese. Remember today’s PC scale. The chinks on Taiwan are almost as evil as white Christians despite their yellow shade.
4. It is beyond dispute the Solomon Islanders were planning the first skyscraper, a 130 floor high rise. Their only error was featuring an Orangutan hanging off the antenna instead of a giant ape. They were just beginning to clear the land for their building when that double evil white Christian explorer Captain Cook opened the way for other depraved white Christians to land and destroy the skyscraper plans. Those Christians threw the forty-eight million pounds of cement into the sea and melted all the stainless steel down for sale to Japan before convincing the advanced Solomon Islanders their scarification was a bit primitive and ugly.
5. The Bushmen of the Kalahari desert invented writing and the phonetic alphabet in 12,000 B.C. (If you’re so afraid of the PC crowd you use “B.C.E.,” you can stick it up your arse. Sorry gentle readers, my unconscionable conservative side interfered with my higher liberal side and made me say that) The evil white Phoneticians stole the Bushman’s writing about 3,000 BC and hired the public relations firm of Solomon, Darius, Homer & Berkalwitz to spread this disinformation around the Mediterranean basin.
This evil white sin was compounded when the vile white Christian English hired the debauched white Christian Boers to start a war with the Zulus (The aura around these noble savages could be seen far and wide) in South Africa. This Boer war was only a distraction as an evil white Egyptologist had recently discovered the tombs of the black pharaoh’s containing the world’s first erasers as well as a multitude of advanced technologies which no one has yet rediscovered. The erasers, incidently, had been invented by a member of the highly developed Saudi Arabian Bedouin tribe on the banks of the Red Sea one afternoon in 5,000 B.C. He got tired of fishing and decided to invent something to keep his superior mind busy. We all know the English painted all the black pharaoh mummies’ white to fool future generations. Still, that wasn’t the worst part of the scheme. A few hustlers among them had some Japs paint garden scenes on the wings and stamp made in Japan on them and they were quickly passed off as the real thing and sold to rich Victorian women as oriental fans.
While the evil white Christian Englishmen had the world’s attention occupied with the Boer war their ships unloaded thousands upon thousands of evil — yet what we term dumb-assed – White Irish Catholics onto the sandy soil bordering the desert. You guessed it! Each of those evil pale Irishmen was armed with an eraser. With the full blessing of the evil white Italian Pope, those filthy, potato eating, Irishmen managed to erase every single letter and word the Bushmen had spent 14,000 years writing down. (Brace yourselves fellow liberals. Wipe your eyes! I know this is tragic and shocking news to even you who know what to expect from evil white Christian Europeans. But this double sin to frame and devalue other superior cultures so whites can feel good about themselves is almost too much to bear. Please excuse my white skin for a moment, as I fight the urge to commit harikari in atonement.)
6. We now know the single, good white culture that ever appeared on earth: the Ainu of Japan. (I’ll admit there is some debate concerning this segment of the white race among the wisest women’s studies professors. Still they used their tried and true method of determination and counted their underarm hair to find an answer. They’ve permitted us a limited dispensation so we can include the Ainu among socially acceptable racial groups at the moment) The Ainu had quit worshiping bears and eating the occasional Japanese who drank too much sake and wandered into their villages. The Ainu had everything in place to become the clock working center of the earth. That’s right you guessed it. Evil white Europeans got wind of the fact the Ainu had developed small gears and a manner to wind them and began their sinister plans. They landed evil white Jesuits on the shores of the formerly superior culture of ancient Japan (Oh, how those yellow devils have slipped on the cultural rating scale since adopting modern technology) Needless to say, the evil white European Jesuit Christians snuck into Ainu society and identified the leading people in clock development, Hans Timex, Johann Cameron Swayze, Wolfgang Rolex and Digital Time. Then they enacted their plan. They not only stole all the clock plans, but captured the leading Ainu men behind clock development and sold the poor, pale devils to evil white Swiss Christian slave traders.
There were so many slave ships going from the Ainu section of Japan to Switzerland that sharks still follow the shipping lanes. This can be verified by asking fat Major Owens. He’s a New York Representative possessing many of the fine qualities found in other New York politicians like Hillary Clinton, Chuckles Schumer and Jerrold , (it ain’t glandular, only a N.Y. Democrat can get this full of s***) Nadler. The verification of Major Owens and the fact several hundred Italian children playing in their yards are eaten by sharks swimming to Swiss ports each year prove the point. There is no need to mourn for these lost Italian children. While they are innocent now, it would only be a matter of time before they’d be evil white Italian adults and probably Catholic to boot. Also, keep in mind we liberals know homosexuality and pediophilia are good things, except when practiced by white Christian members of the clergy. It’ll take you conservatives some time to learn our judgement scale. I realize many of you simpletons remain confused why feminists think rape and sexual harassment is bad unless committed by Bill Clinton, but you just lack the amount of mental incompetence it takes to understand the socialist morality scale.
However, I digress. It was bad enough evil white Europeans stole the clock industry, but worse was stealing Ainu names that everyone now claims was developed along with the German language. Once the clock industry was gone and the Ainu had lost their original names, the evil white European Jesuits pretended to be shaman and tricked the Ainu into destroying their tract housing, moving back into huts, redeveloping their clan system and going back to worshiping their ancestral bear.
7. The Jews, as the properly trained socialist knows, were once a superior people. I realize that is shocking even to liberals well founded in socialist ideology. After the Jews were dispersed throughout Europe, like the Japanese, they adopted the worst parts of evil white European civilization. Yes, it’s true. Recent events with the Palestinians have verified that the Jews are as anti-Semitic as any hateful European Christian.
In the 1800s, the peaceful Moslems were developing space travel under the patronage and tutelage of their benign Ottoman rulers. An evil white Anglican — which is every bit as bad as a Catholic or an orthodox Jew – Mr. Bruce Boknight, attired in a spiffy pair of short pants was walking through the middle east searching for ways to cause trouble. Despite seeing how happy the advanced and highly sensitive Moslem’s were stoning women and buggering, one another, he noticed the spaceships and landing pads the Palestinian’s were erecting. Boknight, immediately saw his chance and before you could say zippidy-do-da a couple of million times, he was back in Europe meetings with French and English politicians. They formed a commission, called the leading rabbis together and said, “Hey, you guys ever think about going home?”
Needless to say, Zionism was born and the once great Jewish race so thoroughly indoctrinated into evil western thinking began emigrating to Palestine. They’ve always lied about wanting that homeland as a cover to destroy the Islamic space industry. If the Jews hadn’t allied with the evil white European Christians to persecute the enlightened and advanced Arabs, man would have walked on the moon by 1870, and we’d now be traveling to the stars for our vacation.
8. Sudan and several other black African countries will end slavery by 2270 if the evil white European Christians don’t get there first and interfere with these other equality worthwhile and valuable cultures.
I’ve listed some of the less egregious examples of what evil white Europeans have done to destroy and set back civilization. I refuse to dwell on those evil whites that sneak into minority neighborhoods and entice children to take drugs. That is certainly another terrible thing evil Christian whites do, but this article must stay focused on the macro picture. The next time you see a picture of supposedly primitive fat-bellied Amazon Indians picking nits off each other, remember they live in the rain forest and had a pharmaceutical industry far advanced in comparison to what we have today. The were already erecting drive through pharmacies to mention just one step they’d taken, but the jealousy of evil white Europeans destroyed their capabilities.
The next time you see a half naked Dinka or an Australian Aborigine squatting over a tiny fire for warmth, just remember those great cultures once had advanced solar energy. They set around in tweed suits reading the wisdom found in the Bushman’s books. They enjoyed that staid life until the evil white European Christians destroyed all their devolvements so they could pollute the world through oil use.
When you see the starving masses of India keep in mind they’d have enough wheat to feed the world if evil Europeans hadn’t stolen both their technology and top soil and transported it to the American Midwest. Never let your lying eyes see a picture that makes you believe the truth instead of the facts I present.
Keep in mind all cultural grades are relative. Each and every one is totally equal as was set down my Mother Earth. Never let it enter your mind that most of the world no longer has slavery, no longer do first world countries have four of five babies dying before age two, that the world’s living standard has been yanked up, that fresh fruit and vegetables are available for virtually every meal, that western countries feed the world, that life expectancy has more than tripled in western nations or areas that adopted western civilization, that for the first time in the history of the world every citizen in some countries have access to education simply because of evil white European Christians. That’s just fluff and propaganda. Any other culture could have done the same if they’d only felt like it.