Once I make up my mind I’m full of indecision. — Oscar Levant
One never knows what Hillary Clinton will do next – except it’s bound to be excessive. Like all liberals she can’t decide whether to carry moderation to excess or practice excess in moderation. Hillary is not only wrong-headed – she is wrong-hearted. She has the liberal’s characteristic genius for seeing things precisely as they are not. What success she enjoys is due to her ability to take advantage of the fact that she’s not a lady.
Hillary and her hubby were drawn to Washington like hyenas to carrion. Hence, irrespective of all her feigned coyness and hesitation, Hillary will run for the Presidency – sooner rather than later. Hillary is acutely aware it is a short step from elderly to olderly. For anyone as ambitious and impatient as she, the calendar has slipped into overdrive. Nor does it help her to be reminded that she is married to Bill Clinton, who has drunk deeply from The Fountain of Immaturity. Even if she is elected and serves two terms in the White House, she will not spend as much time in the Oval Office as Monica Lewinsky.
Hillary’s politics have careened recklessly between far left and extreme far left. She has gone from radical to red-ical. Her political philosophy is vectored somewhere between Vladimir Ilyich Lenin and CNN. Lenin, her role model, died in 1924, but she still advocates sending a medical team to Moscow to open him up and install a pacemaker. Apparently, she ascribes to the liberal quibble that it’s never too late to be too late.
Hillary is a festival of foibles, but more than anything, she is a world class liar.
An attempt at honest discourse with Hillary is like trying to open a conversation with a bent sardine key. Eliciting facts from her is like walking into a band saw of deceits. The artfulness of her responses has been known to make a polygraph machine smirk. In politically correct terms, she is in “truth deficit.” She can snake her way around the facts like a stunt driver weaving through pylons. As she has no conscience, she is impossible to embarrass. Questioned by the press about her brother’s illegal machinations she shrugged it off. That press conference confirmed that Hillary Clinton could look nonchalant while breastfeeding a rat.
EDUCATION
In Hillary Clinton we get a well-defined surmise of what a bitch Lady Macbeth would have been if she had a law degree from Yale. Hillary is not only an excrescence on her gender, but justification of the national pastime of vilifying attorneys.
Despite embracing the liberal fiction that Bill Clinton is “the first black president”, blacks ignored the fact that he married a broad who was considered too “white bread” even at Wellesley, a one-time all-female lyceum noted for manicuring the rough edges off overindulged virgins who try to impress the waiters in Chinese restaurants by ordering in French. (The saying about Wellesley girls is “Go over them with a rake and you can take them anywhere.”)
All that Ivy League gaudy veneer was tested when she married an Ozark yokel and became known as The Bride of Arkenstein. Being the only one with savoir faire, it was Hillary’s obligation to furnish Bill with such advice as to what is the appropriate amount for tipping a hooker, and which is the proper fork to use when sticking it in an opponent’s eye.
In the wake of Hillary’s passing through that institution, Wellesley acquired the sobriquet “Weirdsley.” It is said she has a standing offer from her alma mater to return as their Dean of Sadism, where her duties would be somewhat similar to the Head Matron on Devil’s Island. It is said she also has an offer to return to the Yale Law Library as Curator of Disappearing and Reappearing Law Office Billing Records.
Like so many Ivy League graduates owning numerous diplomas, it has not made her wise but affected her with delusions of adequacy. Beyond her own shady machinations, Hillary further demeaned and brought Law into discredit by fostering the appointment of Janet Reno, popularly known as The Dildo General. Reno served at Hillary’s pleasure, while Monica served at Bill’s.
RACE
Despite a shit load of meaningless sanctimony, racial animus is the currency on which the Clintons trade. It is said, applicants for employment on Hillary’s staff are asked to produce proof of racial sensitivity. A learner’s permit won’t do. Whatever the liberals label it, Affirmative Action is racism, and with the Clinton’s exploiting it for their political and financial increase, the pyramids will become dust devils and blow away before the races reconcile.
If, as is widely reported, Bill Clinton sleeps with black prostitutes, it is not because he is a liberal, but because he is a social climber. Some believe that is how he crossed over and became “the first black President.” If Hillary were sexually conjoined with a black, his being President notwithstanding, it would have been of less consequence than the circumstance that it would make Chelsea the first white pickaninny. (So considered, Chelsea and Dennis Rodman would be a match made in tabloid Heaven.)
[Note: Some idolaters in Harlem still address Bill as “Your Royal Blackness”. The old negro spiritual did not implore Pharaoh to “Let my people go” just so Bill Clinton could herd them together on Election day and bus them to the polls. As one political adversary said in debate, “Don’t crap me, Bill. I knew you when you were only white.” Until doctors can find a way to change one’s ethnicity retroactively, Bill is obliged to live life as a trans-racial. Bubba’s acceptance of himself as the first black President might prompt him to make another run for the White House using the slogan “Massa’s back in town.”
HILLARY’S CONSTITUENTS: THE USUAL SUSPECTS
Hillary Clinton is an accurate reflection of her true constituents -embittered minorities, avaricious lawyers, and condescending academics – pragmatic, greedy, heartless, soulless, and profoundly disloyal to America. Among them:
Liberals: who believe America exists as a socialist teat for those who embrace dependency as a way of life and who became the Recipient Class.
Stoop Labor Descendants of the Conquistadores: who believe they hold the second trust deed to the American Southwest. Until they can foreclose and run the gringo squatters off their land, they must content themselves with sneaking into California and just worrying the fruit.
Academics: Reeking political correctness, Hillary is the darling of the heavily diploma’d and deadly ornament in academe’s war on Reality, whose mission it is to replace the acquisition of lore with Affirmative Action, and to create a society of highly-credentialed ignoramuses.
Mainstream Media Nerds: that still believe America’s effort in Viet Nam went amiss because Walter Cronkite got bored with the hostilities, and took an interest in showing up wearing sailor caps.
West Coast Yentas: that peacock along the boulevards of Beverly Hills carrying bottles of Evian and flashing cleavage. (Republican success at the polls will come with convincing these women that exposure to Hillary’s opinions is fattening.)
Attorneys: that have chosen Hillary as their bitch goddess. In His Divine Wisdom the Deity anticipated lawyers, which is why The Ten Commandments do not include any fine print. (Hillary has never been indicted but has spent more time in courtrooms than Chief Justice William Rehnquist. Should poetic justice and Hillary ever intersect at Ground Zero, she will be glad that Martha Stewart gave her a recipe for Jail House Cookies.)
Hollywood Actors: those rich, pampered people who invariably manage to overcome their advantages.
Feminists: that pay her to lecture and indoctrinate women in leftist dogma. Hillary’s most frequent text: Is There Abortion After Death? (If, as she claims, there is a “Vast Right Wing Conspiracy” against the Clintons, it reposes in the souls of the tiny fetuses whose destruction they urge.)
Homosexuals: Hillary is liaison to the world’s deviant, the sexually off-course, and the androgynous-at-large, especially gay men who carry sprigs of mint in their wallets for identification, devoted to the notions that skipping is the preferred method of ambulation, and the belief that it is not the heart, but the wrist that is the center of human emotion. Anyone who doesn’t know it is the intuitive mission of gays to proselytize their degeneracy has never been to a Judy Garland concert. It is estimated Hillary has an even larger entourage of card-carrying eunuchs than Judy. She has replaced La Garland as Queen of Queens. Nobody has accused Hillary of being a lesbian, although there is a rumor that she had stepped away from her gender for a few years.
Feminazis: (apologies for the designation to Rush Limbaugh) militant feminists that have never been accused of being effeminate. Hillary was invited to join a contingent of German Feminazis in a march up Unter Den Linden carrying their banner which read “Vagina Uber Alles.”
DISPOSITION – NOT A HAPPY CAMPER
There are some who believe human cloning has already taken place, and offer as evidence that Hillary Clinton is her own evil twin sister. Others say the Clinton White House was at great pains to suppress a rumor that due to a mix up at the hospital she had been switched at birth with a wolverine. Clinton aides and ciphers wisely avoided eye contact with Hillary knowing she can out-spit a cobra. Her metabolism is such that the moment Chanel No. 5 touches her skin it turns into turpentine. If Hillary is inured to ordinary human emotions it is because an X ray revealed her heart is covered with aluminum siding. (So devoted to holding a grudge is she, that she even hired a minority domestic simply because her name was Vendetta.)
Here is some speculation that has been offered to explain Hillary’s irascible temperament:
Her crankiness has been attributed to a chronic condition called “Midol breakthrough.” A prominent gynecologist noting her temperament declared he had only seen such waspishness in one other female patient, which was a result of having her clitoris screwed in too tight. (Sounds like a job for Black and Decker.)
Much is explained by the fact that Hillary was born without a soul. The one she has is an implant. Her personality is less than winsome. Typhoid Mary would have been welcomed more cordially into crowded elevators. Her opinions should be registered with the police, and the Nuclear Regulatory Commission would do well to harness her mouth for peaceful purposes.
We would not exactly say she is a cold bitch, but after she walks through a room you can hang meat in it. Her heart temperature is approximately the same as a toilet seat in an igloo. If she was anymore frigid she would be seven/eighths under water, which is why she is often referred to as Chillery Clinton.
Inside every Hillary Clinton there’s a Linda Blair screaming to get out – so Al Franken can get in. Her relentless irritation is due to the fact that she pads her brassiere with scouring pads. Neville Chamberlain could not have found a way to appease her. Arguing with her Is like trying to reason with a toilet stuck in full flush mode. The key to Hillary’s personality is her inability to fight the impulse to be herself. (It is a mitigating circumstance of her belligerence that it is hard to remain affable married to a man who comes home each evening with Feminique on his breath.)
APPEARANCE
Hillary Clinton is Listerine for the eyes. Her preoccupation with her appearance is tantamount to a wart hog fretting “Are my lips on straight?” She has a smile that can chip paint, peel wallpaper and curdle Rustoleum. Her lips appear to be bloodless and made rigid by the application of Novocain lipstick.
Hillary’s calves compare unfavorably to swollen bowling pins. She cannot squat without splitting her boots. It is conceded that her legs are uncommonly strong, that she can place an anvil between them, constrict her thighs and reduce it to scrap metal. Her entire wardrobe is tailored to conceal a body language that is as untruthful as she is. The only thing her body would look good in is the trunk of a car. All this does not contribute to what one might consider an attractive appearance, although one of her more discerning acquaintances has described her as “a cunning stunt.”
Men find her personality forbidding. She projects a disquieting intuition that the sexual climax has risen to the level of being, at best, overrated. It has been reported, when she is approached by a man with amorous intentions, one can hear her vagina snap shut.
Hillary is acutely aware that in public life you’re never too old to be considered too old. In an effort to brace her faltering middle age, she requires the services of a live-in embalmer. He will find it a thankless job because people in that profession are not accustomed to working against the clock.
THE “SELF-KOSHERING” OF HILLARY CLINTON
After New York Jews gave Jesse Jackson a pass on his slur “Hymietown”, it was a given they would embrace Hillary Clinton. It may take a village to raise a child. It does not take a village to corrupt four rabbis. Hillary did it all by herself.
Hillary Clinton is as pro-Israel as she is pro-Monica. She was enthusiastically received when she visited the West Bank. I imagine it was Hillary’s Swastika pendant that caused Arafat’s bride, Suha, to lose control and kiss her. The photograph of them swapping spit made the cover of Anti-Semites Quarterly. One assumes Hillary is no longer courting New York’s Jewish vote, when she is seen poised at her office window shouldering a “Stinger” missile launcher while waiting for over flights of El Al.
HILLARY AND THE SENATE
Hillary’s exit from the White House and entrance into the Senate reversed the computer axiom to read “Garbage out – Garbage in.” She arrived in the Senate too late to vote on her husband’s impeachment, about which she was said to be “on the fence.”
On hearing of Hillary’s election, Senators began shoving their desks up against the chamber door. Though the Senate is a body uniquely without wisdom or honor, Hillary still managed to lower its standards. Yet, with her customary condescension, Hillary does not consider her fellow Senators colleagues, but courtiers.
Her election brought the current bitch population of the Senate in excess of that in Hollywood. Hillary’s ingress into the Senate was a ceremony even more auspicious than that of Barbara Mikulski, who was swung into the chamber in a cargo net. It is significant that during her taking the Oath of Office, the Bible on which Hillary was being sworn burst into flames.
BILL AND HILL
New Yorkers must seriously have offended God for Him to have situated both Bill and Hillary there. Hillary sees herself as Scarlet O’Hara, and Manhattan as her concrete plantation. She says her constituents know she has their welfare at heart, although she won’t go out in the street without wearing bullet proof cologne.
On every television show she proclaims she will “stand by her man.” Many hope she will still be standing by him should he go before a firing squad. Hillary assumes she has been ennobled for her loyalty to her husband, having taken the position that even rapists need love – whether given willingly or not.
The division of the Clintons’ obligation to each other was established on the day they wed. He would “live it up” and she would try to “live it down.” Despite their much advertised devotion to each other, Hillary would love to have Bill gelded and Bill would love to have Hillary wormed.
Bill and Hillary love each other so much they can hardly keep from telling each other about it. The Bill and Hill relationship can be characterized by a line of dialogue by Groucho Marx about his favorite female foil, Margaret Dumont. “She turned down her bed – and so did I.”
The Clinton marriage seems more collusion than coition. Hillary is The Poster Girl for Coitus Interruptus. She serves the same function on the libido as the Control/Alt/ Delete function keys do on a computer. Bill Clinton abandoned plans to write the story of his honeymoon with Hillary, after learning someone already used the title “Romancing the Stone.” Hillary’s caress has been known to neutralize the effects of Viagra. (Bill doesn’t require Viagra, although every six months he has to replace the nine volt battery in his prostate.) Remarking on his bride’s sexual incompetence, Bubba said, “There are more than a hundred bedrooms in the White House and she was no damned good in any one of them.” Hillary has made logical the premise that is possible to be both a prude and a tramp.
[Note: Hillary’s claim to virtue seems inconsistent in someone who claims to love children, but remains married to a rapist with a partiality toward juvenescence. Perhaps she assumes a home is not a home without the obligatory traitor/pervert in it. It is significant, for someone whose love of children is so exorbitant she quit after having just one. Daughter Chelsea’s low visibility moves us to conclude she was confined to her room during the entire Clinton Administration.]
It’s been proposed that the climax of the sex act with Hillary would likely feel less like orgasm and more like passing a kidney stone. She is rumored to have pubic bristles, which makes brevity the soul of sex and gives new poignancy to the expression “a quickie.” Getting it on with Hillary would seem an experience approximate to being circumcised by a paper shredder.
Bill and Hillary fell in love when they realized they were politically a little to the left of each other. The only disparity in their interests is Bill is absorbed with perversion and treason, while Hillary is enamored of megalomania and hypocrisy. An ardent feminist she has popularized the use of a device called “the power tampon.”
The Clinton’s are political pollutants. It is a toss up which has given greater profundity to Shakespeare’s reference to “the insolence of office.” Early on they agreed that Bill would play “the race card” and Hillary would play “the bitch card.” Hillary had no official title in her husband’s administration, but served as America’s Ambassador of Ill-Will at-Large. It is significant that she did not visit Bosnia, Somalia, Haiti, the Sudan, the inner city of Cincinnati, or any other bastion of backwardness or barbarity that her husband claims to have turned into Paradise.
Unlike Hillary Clinton, Eva Braun (Frau Hitler) had too much class to muck about in her husband’s politics. The thirst for corruption among Democrats is so great it takes more than one Clinton to slake it. A second helping of Clintons for a Democrat is like a cannibal ingesting an after dinner mint. Nevertheless, there is Hillary, hovering vulture-like, in ever decreasing concentric circles, over the White House.
THE HILLARY ADMINISTRATION
If you think you’re in an adversarial posture with the government now, wait for the Hillary Presidency. We’re talkin’ Fidel in a pants suit. Mao Tse Tung would consider her an extremist. Here are a few of the aberrations which we can expect to occur under the blight of a Hillary Clinton Administration:
The descendants of slaves will receive reparations. In gratitude to Hillary, the program will be called Reparation H.
Testosterone will be a controlled substance.
Unsold copies of Hillary’s book will be stacked inside the Clinton Library, which will necessitate throwing Bill’s pornography collection out into the street. (After thousands of book signings it will be clear her signature is the only thing in her book she actually wrote. The contents itself is as about as intellectually nourishing as a bridge mix)
Newlywed brides will hold a rally at Niagara Falls and feign a mass orgasm.
Dianne Feinstein will be appointed the United Nations Yenta General. (Feinstein will implement a plan to build airshafts between countries so that the world’s yentas can hang out their wash across national boundaries.)
There will be a program of sex benefits for the elderly called You’re Never Too Old To Watch.
There will be a cynical political ploy to re-free the slaves.
It will be illegal to manifest a regurgatating spasm when the Gay Pride Parade passes by.
Men will have to take their turn menstruating.
The nation’s wealth will be redistributed among minorities, who will take it back to the inner city, organize a giant crap game, and redistribute it among themselves.
To gratify both radicals and gays, Che Guevara’s body will be exhumed and given a sex change operation.
Minority groups will change the name of The Golden State to Color-fornia.
Hansel and Gretel will be mysteriously assassinated.
All guns will be confiscated – and so will all male genitalia.
Every minority member will receive a free college education to prepare him for a job for which he probably won’t show up.
M&M’s will stand for methamphetamine and morphine.
Gay Day will be a national holiday set aside for homosexuals to try to recall their original gender and/or celebrate “disgusting” as an alternative lifestyle.
A new Health care plan will be predicated on the concept, if you contract a disease and after ten days no one has claimed it, you get to keep it forever.
Kidnapping will no longer be a crime, but considered a stealth adoption procedure for single parents.
Monica’s luggage will arrive at the White House sending a surprise signal of the beginning of the first ménage a trois Presidency.
Abraham Lincoln’s image on Mount Rushmore will be replaced by either Bill Clinton or Joey Buttafuocco.
In public buildings praying mantises will not be allowed to do anything more religious than keeping their fingers crossed.
Hillary will order Vince Foster’s body exhumed and re-interred in The Arlington Cemetery. Bill has already made arrangements on his passing to have his body checked into the Arlington Motel.
Soap opera star, Susan Lucci, will be appointed Secretary of Suburban Angst.
To shore up her minority base, only people named Jamal will be eligible to win the Lotto.
Welfare will be extended to millionaires who are between inheritances.
The Democratic Party will be renamed The Femocratic Party.
Doubtless, Hillary will continue her career of depredations and subversion. In her lust for power she would do well to consider that Marie Antoinette did not go to the guillotine.
She was dragged.