How did Time Magazine miss The Illegal Alien as its Person of the Year? And how is it these people, reputedly “resourceful”, can’t find a job in their own country? Whether legal or illegal, most Mexicans who come to the United States have one thing in common – nobody invited them.
Considering unemployment in Mexico, one would think they would have grown accustomed to doing nothing in their own country. So considered, the need to pick fruit in strange lands seems to many Americans an idiosyncrasy somewhere between picturesque and mental. Either California fruit is easier to pick or its trees are easier to shake. Some overtaxed Californians have come to believe it would be a better world if the avocadoes picked the Mexicans.
Contrary to conventional knowledge, most braceros do not covet American citizenship. They take our money back to Mexico with intentions of sneaking back into the US when they again here to siren song of the avocadoes. (One notable exception is a man who hoisted his wife over the fence during her ninth month of pregnancy because they want the kid to be born in the U.S. They plan to name the baby “Yard Work.”)
[Note: An underground tunnel from Mexico surfaced in Texas where people just assumed the people emerging were just coming out after their shift inside a carwash.]
CRAZY LIKE A FOX
It looks like Bush and Fox are buying furniture together and America braces for NAFTA II while the Preparation H from NAFTA I hasn’t yet worked its healing magic. The only thing NAFTA I accomplished was to make Ross Perot look like Nostradamus’ more clairvoyant kid brother.
Bush has given illegal aliens a reason to raise their voices in an old song that goes:
We’re Here Because We’re Here
Because We’re Here Because We’re Here
We’re Here Because We’re Here
Because We’re Here Because We’re Here
It’s not as catchy as La Cucaracha (The Cockroach) but it least it doesn’t celebrate illegal bugs sneaking into California.
Watching the Bush/Fox political farce play out suggests what it might feel like to watch Admiral Bull Halsey and Tokyo Rose exchanging friendship rings. No one really counts on the Mexican President’s friendship. As a result he has acquired the sobriquet of “Fair Weather” Fox. The last time Fox made a handshake deal, his handshake bounced at the bank.
Dean Martin used to say, you’re not really drunk as long as you can lie on the floor without holding on. Mexican politicians have to hold onto the floor so they won’t slide off their “high” moral position. In the UN, America can count on Mexico not to give them the swing vote but the shaft vote. Having opposed the US in the United Nations at every opportunity, Vicente Fox has become the Jacques Chirac of the wetbacks, yet he whines for our money. He is Mexico’s Panhandler-in-Chief, or as
he is appropriately known to American taxpayers – “El Moocho Grande.”
Fox has done nothing to cure the chronic unemployment in his country. There have not been twelve people in Mexico with a steady job since Pancho Villa assembled his first firing squad. Early on, Mexicans determined that assassination is preferable to voting because you don’t have to register first. Emiliano Zapata fared no better. Mexico spawns revolutionaries when what it needs is plumbers. But Mexicans are philosophical. They say if you don’t like this government, don’t worry. There will be another one along any moment.
The Sixth Fleet draws too much water to patrol in the Rio Grande. Hence, Bush’s solution to the immigration problem is to replace Border Patrols with ushers who will announce to illegal aliens that there is a waiting line outside California, but Arizona has immediate seating. Their only other function will be to fire a gun signaling the illegal aliens to get on their starting blocks as the avocados have begun ripening.
Vicente Fox considers poverty an idea whose time has come – to America. It’s as if he picked up his country down in Tampico so that all the jobless can slide north into the United States. It’s Vicente Fox’s landlocked Mariel boat lift.
Mexico needs financial assistance during any week with a Thursday in it. As for their absence of support at the United Nations, they proved a time-dishonored proverb is, “A friend in need is a Mexican.” (This may be the perfect time for Hallmark to put out a greeting card commemorating that sentiment.) Mexico is an oil rich country but won’t do anything about it until they figure out whose dumb idea it was to put the oil under the ground. At all events, Mexico has never had a natural resource that some crooked politico not pilfer from the Mexican people.
The only thing illegal aliens have given America is a financial hernia. They are here to deliver destitution door-to-door in exchange for the largesse of American taxpayers. It is not known what prestige accrues to Mexico by suggesting to Americans that they are living next door to a flop house. It demonstrates only Fox’s genius for keeping his people desperate and dependant – that he has made Mexico less of a country than a dust storm with boundaries, and that God created Mexico for the purpose of keeping North and South America from clanging together.
Mexico did not send a single soldier to aid us in our effort in Iraq. Presumably this is because in Mexico the roosters do all the fighting. After 9/11 Mexico came down consistently against America’s effort in Iraq. It is said they even initiated a relief program to help Arabs called Bundles for Bedouins. Mexico has become America’s West Bank and Vicente Fox its Arafat. We build fences to keep Mexicans out, but bicker with the Israelis when they do the same with the Palestinians.
MEXICAN “MEDS”
Mexico’s adjacency is singularly convenient for people who want to run next door to borrow a cup of cocaine. Still, the Mexican constabulary denies that the border is an entry point for smuggling cocainepiñatas for Feliz Navidad. They are not made suspicious by drivers depositing arcane powders into their carburetors, and snorting the exhaust as it comes out of the tailpipe. Suspicion is deepened by the fact that Mexican service stations near the border have pumps labeled Regular – Extra – and – Methamphetamine Supreme. This is not to say there are narcotics finding their way over the border, but it is not uncommon to see a flock of sparrows from South of the Border in a holding pattern over the Betty Ford Clinic.
In Mexico, even if medical attention is unavailable, drugs are not. Mexico is the center of a complex of drugstores with “relaxed” standards. A Tijuana pharmacy will fill your prescription even if it was written by Mick Jagger. It’s said many of its citizens carry a forged prescription for identification.
[Note: Mexico is one of the few countries where you can get “busted” for driving under the influence of mushrooms. The most popular one is called peyote that produces hallucinations. Half a peyote mushroom will make you feel like you trapped in a Johnny Depp movie. One of the more acute delusions these mushrooms produce is the notion that Vicente Fox is America’s best friend.]
THE INFAMOUS “TURISTAS”
Mexicans are diligent and willing workers, although in a land of chronic diarrhea the people are inclined not to do any sudden or heavy lifting. Once a week a crop duster plane flies over with an airdrop of Imodium. (Diarrhea can be a blessing when you consider the national dish of Mexico is an adobe brick with rice and beans. For the American tourist, a weekend in Mexico will remain a spin of the wheel at bacterial roulette.)
Not surprisingly, Bush plans to have American taxpayers underwrite all the illegal aliens’ medical needs. Bill Clinton is already kicking himself for not thinking of a similar program and calling it Mexicare. Illegal aliens would get state-of-the-art medical attention while it’s said, the nearest thing to an antibiotic available in Mexico is a shot of tequila and the hope that it will kill any germ it meets on the way down.
MEXICARS
Perhaps California should reconsider its profligacy with drivers’ licenses. Inevitably, illegal aliens will be permitted to pay their traffic fines in Mexican currency which has Vicente fox’s picture on it and bears the motto, “Save this peso. It may be worth something some day.” We might see a surprising result if every illegal alien was offered a choice of a California driver’s license or one free landing on a babe of their choice.
Mexico leads the world in the manufacture of cars that won’t start. It is a problem for the Mexican father who likes to take his family out on the road for a Sunday breakdown. Mexico gave up on making cars after the Auto club had to be called to tow them off the assembly line. These days Mexico is an impound lot where old Chevrolets go to die. A Mexican car cannot be at the scene of an accident unless someone jump starts its engine to get there.
On the open road their trucks are weapons of mass dilapidation. Their drivers change the oil once every ten years – whether it needs it or not. Any car that is driven more than two years south of the border develops consumption. In Acapulco, even their surfboards need a smog check. Environmentalists believe the way to clean the air is to collect the exhaust and stuff it back up into their tailpipes. As our State Troopers put it, “Where there’s smoke, there’s Mexicans.”
[Note: Coyotes (illegal alien smugglers) are always fearful of getting caught with the evidence. Before a coyote buys a truck he will ask the salesman, “How many does it suffocate?”]
WHAT ARE AMIGOS FOR?
It seems redundant to do or say something offensive in order to offend Mexicans, as the principal export of that country is resentment. It is a matter of ongoing disappointment to Mexicans that they do not find enough things in America to be ungrateful about. It’s said some illegals make a beeline for the welfare office, and then use the money to take a cab to a TV talk show where they badmouth the U.S. Many Illegal aliens complain that they picked up all their bad habits in America, and that until they got to California, they did not know how to open a switchblade knife, use a hypodermic needle, and could only tell time by reading it on a stolen watch.
Laboratories have established that most Mexican mosquitoes that enter the country illegally suffer from chemical dependency, and that their bites are gang related. At all events flies from Mexico must not be swatted since The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals added them to The Endangered Pest List.
Most illegal aliens do not speak or understand English, but that does not keep them from calling wrong numbers on the telephone. Presumably they believe everyone who answers will understand Spanish if it spoken fast enough. [Note: Spanish is spoken in approximately half the countries in the world. Apparently there are more people sneaking out of Spain than there are sneaking into it.]
Mexicans should get over the notion that they have dibs on the American Southwest. They did not lose it – we took it away from them after General Santa Ana besieged the Alamo and threatened to squeegee its windows. It’s one of the inevitable circumstances that occur when you provoke skirmishes with bigger guys. Mexicans have about as legitimate a claim to California as they have to Castile.
Politicians are intent on rigging the law to favor massive illegal immigration. All one will have to do to get a driver’s license is prove he has a job waiting for him in Detroit as a crash dummy. In California an alien with a driver’s license can get married, and consummate at an intersection while waiting for a traffic light to change. In fact, an illegal alien will get by with any kind of certificate that proves he was born and didn’t simply accumulate. Washington deems it too expensive to get these millions of invaders back over to their own side of the fence, although it has been suggested that building catapults might be the answer (no charge for mileage.)
CULTURE
The politicians claim we need more illegal aliens in the gene pool and remind us that they are the descendants of the Aztecs, who, among other things, were the first people in North America to make music. Until the Aztecs, no one thought of putting holes in a hollow stick and blowing into it. (Many Mexican dances were copied from barnyard critters. For many it is not a big jump from the Ballet Russe to the Ballet Rooster.)
The politicians point out –
that the actual inventors of the airplane were two brothers named Orville and Wilbur Martinez – that baseball was first played by a team called the Guadalajara Red Sox who played it with only one base after which the runners lost count – that It was a Mexican who invented the on/off switch without which Thomas Edison’s electric light would have been a colossal hoax – that it was a renowned Mexican artist named Pablo Whistler who painted the famous portrait called Mi Madre. (He painted her standing up so she appears to be off her rocker.)
More than anything else, minority pandering politicos insist we need the descendants of these noble people to do the menial jobs that Americans won’t do – that our economy requires an invasion of these splendid, however illegal, aliens because they are willing to commit felonies that American criminals consider beneath their professional standards. They argue that accompanying crime statistics have nothing to do with crime, and Mexicans have nothing to do with Mexico. Their most picturesque argument is, if illegal aliens don’t sneak into our country there will be nobody here to win the Lotto.
On the other hand, it is hard to take seriously people who dance on their hats, stab farm animals in the neck for sport, and drink a beverage that has a worm in it doing the back stroke – who wear curious vests called serapes (presumably when they make the last payment they get the sleeves.)
Still, they retain one virtue of their noble predecessors. The Aztec was the first religion in the Western Hemisphere to take up a collection. They spoke a language called Nahuatl the only word of which to survive is “gimme” which apparently crossed the border into America with its meaning intact. Perhaps it explains why so many Americans have begun think of their neighbor to the south as a country with the soul of a parking meter.
Addenda:
There is a great opportunity here for Jesse Jackson to stamp out good will with his intuitive ability to push all the buttons of racial sensitivity. That’s why he gets the big bucks. So far he has been lukewarm about championing the cause of illegal aliens, perhaps because he is not sure what colors illegal aliens come in, or whether what they are doing is illegal enough to meet his standards.
Illegal aliens seem to resist the tutelage (make that provocation) by civil right leaders to hyphenate themselves as Mexican/Americans but are urged to reinforce their original racial identity by calling themselves Mexo/Mexicans. Jackson may follow suit by urging blacks to call themselves Afro/Africans although there is some confusion produced by races re-enforcing their ethnic identities while advocating the rest of America re-make itself into some kind of shake and bake society.