There’s No Intelligent Life In Big Government The One-Minute Addresses of Rep. James Traficant are a matter of public record, paid for by (and property of) the People of the United States of America.
It’s a tradition in the U.S. House—following the morning prayer for God’s guidance and blessing—that representatives be allowed sixty seconds each to vent on any subject they choose. These are the daily One-Minute Addresses (which I strongly recommend watching on C-SPAN)
Granted, not every representative takes advantage of the one-minute address; but you can bet that, more often than not, Rep. James A. Traficant (D-Ohio) will step up to the plate and knock one out of the park in a minute or less—much to the dismay of his fellow Democrats.
Traficant, a pro-labor, pro-school-prayer, ex-county sheriff has redefined the one-minute address and made it his specialty. From one day to the next, his colleagues in the House don’t know WHAT issue Traficant will assail; but his pet peeves seem to be the U.S. Tax Code, government waste, America’s moral and spiritual decay, and the corruption of our Justice Department.
Here follows a few classic House One-Minute Addresses from over the last 10 years, delivered by Rep. James A. Traficant, Jr., Democrat of Ohio. They easily compare to some of the best and worst political posts you’ve seen on the Internet.
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Burping Bovines — Sept. 26, 1991
“Mr. Speaker, talking about garbage, the EPA is spending $210,000 to study cow belching and its effects on global warming. Here is how it works: Cows will wear backpacks and have hoses connected to their mouths. Tell me, Mr. Speaker, what happens if the backpack is too tight and instead of an oral emission, Elsie goes 7.0 on the Richter scale? Will the President declare a garbage emergency? Or how about maybe appoint a Congressional Bovine Burp Task Force. Or maybe the EPA will require—think about it—scrubbers on udders, bag hoses on nostrils. I think we ought to take a cattle prod to the EPA.”
Dooms Day Dogs — Oct. 9, 1991
“Madam Speaker, the remains of 800 beagles and 1,700 tons of their radioactive urine and feces will be buried at a nuclear site in the State of Washington.
The dead dogs have been in freezers since 1950. They were part of a study to assess the damage of radioactive fallout.
The study is now conclusive: Radioactive fallout is fatal, and canines subjected thereto died. But the point is, Madam Speaker, the funeral is going to cost $22 million.
Tell me, are they going to ship the bodies by limo? Are they going to have gold tombstones for every hound?
With 37 million people in America without health insurance, 9 million people unemployed, I would like to say that our Government is spending $22 million to erect a giant fire hydrant as a mausoleum to dead beagles.
I think that says it all, Madam Speaker: America’s domestic priorities have gone to the dogs. ”
Space Crappers — Jan. 23, 1993
“Mr. Speaker, Space…The Final Frontier. The search for new life, new civilizations and, now, new toilets. That is right: NASA has a $30 million space toilet! You strap yourself in and 12 high-pressure air jets aid your relief. Mr. Speaker, I say it’s time to call out the Roto-Rooter man. Beam me up, Scotty, nature is calling! ”
Reinventing Bureaucracy — Sept. 3, 1993
“Mr. Speaker, the Vice President said America needs to reinvent Government. To find out why, the GAO called the RTC, the ITC and the PMS. They did not know.
The GAO then called the DOD, the DOT and the DDT. They did not know. The GAO then called the CIA, the DIA, the EPA and the IUD. They did not know. Then they asked the OMB to find out. The OMB created a whole new program called the Government Analysis Service, known as GAS. ”
Flag Desecration — June 7, 1995
“Mr. Speaker, in many cities and towns across America, it is illegal to kiss in public. It is illegal in some places to ride a skateboard. It is illegal to burn trash or leaves. It is illegal to yodel or sing in public, and it is illegal, Mr. Speaker, to tamper with a mailbox. However, in America, it is completely legal to burn the flag, completely legal to desecrate the flag. It is even legal, Mr. Speaker, to urinate on Old Glory. In the words of a Russian comedian, “America—What a country!”
Nonessentials — Nov. 13, 1995
“Mr. Speaker, something does not add up. Experts say, “Don’t worry, America. If the Federal Government shuts down, only nonessential workers will be furloughed.”
Now, the dictionary says “nonessential” means not necessary. If that is the case, did anyone around here ever stop to think that if Congress did not borrow money to hire nonessential workers, Congress would not have to borrow more money to pay nonessential workers and Congress would not have to shut down?
Beam me up, Mr. Speaker. Maybe, just maybe, the Congress of the United States is a little nonessential. ”
NAFTA — May 13, 1997
“Mr. Speaker, the White House says NAFTA [the North American Free Trade Agreement] is creating new and exciting jobs. I did some research on those jobs: zipper trimmer, brassiere tender, jelly roller, bosom presser, chicken sexer, sanitary napkin specialist, and a pantyhose crotch-closer machine operator. That’s what I call exciting jobs, Mr. Speaker. ”
The Economy — June 10, 1997
“Let us tell it like it is: When you hold this economy to your nosey, this economy does not smell so rosy. If there is any consolation to the American workers, I never heard of anyone in America committing suicide by jumping out of a basement window. I yield back all of the propaganda on this great economy. ”
Foreign Policy — April 1, 1998
“Let us check this out: China gets $60 billion in MFN [most-favored-nation status] from Uncle Sam. Russia gets $15 billion in foreign aid from Uncle Sam. In exchange, Uncle Sam gets nuclear missiles pointed at our cities, two tape decks and three cases of vodka. Beam me up! I say our national security brain trust needs a proctologist on staff. ”
Heaven and Hell — June 19, 1998
“Mr. Speaker, Mildred Rosario, a sixth grade teacher in the Bronx, was fired. Mildred was fired for attempting to comfort her students over the drowning loss of a fellow classmate by simply saying he was in heaven.
Mildred was fired for saying, I quote, “he is in heaven.” Unbelievable.
In America teachers can pass out condoms in school. Teachers can pass out needles. Teachers can even have forums and discussions on devil worship. But in America teachers cannot even mention God. Beam me up!
A Nation that can discuss devil worship in our schools but cannot even mention God is a Nation that has lost both its sense of values and its sense of common sense. Mr. Speaker, I yield back any problems we have in our schools. ”
Regulatory Red Tape — July 29, 1998
“Mr. Speaker, the Lord’s prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,322 words. U.S. regulations on the sale of cabbage—that is right, cabbage—is 27,000 words. Now, if that is not enough to give Hulk Hogan’s dictionary a hernia, check this out. Regulatory red tape in America costs taxpayers $400 billion every year—over $4,000 each year, every year, year in, year out, for every family. Beam me up! ”
God and Science — Aug. 3, 1998
“Mr. Speaker, a new report says only 7 percent of scientists believe in God. That is right. And the reason they gave was that the scientists were “super smart.” Unbelievable. Most of these absent-minded professors cannot find the toilet. Mr. Speaker, I have one question for these wise guys to constipate over: How can SOME-thing come from NO-thing?
And while they digest that, Mr. Speaker, let us tell it like it is. Put these super-cerebral master debaters in some foxhole with bombs bursting all around them, and I guarantee they will not be praying to Frankenstein. Beam me up here! ”
Tax Code Sucks — April 15, 1999
“Madam Speaker, our Tax Code penalizes achievement and rewards dependence. It subsidizes illegitimacy. It kills investment. It kills jobs. It destroys our exports and sales and subsidizes our imports.
Beam me up, Madam Speaker. In a nutshell, our Tax Code sucks. It is time to abolish it and throw the IRS out with it and give serious consideration to a national retail sales tax. It is time to tell the IRS, tax this.
I yield back the $850 charge of compliance for every man, woman and child in America for this complex Tax Code we have in place. ”
Reno, FBI and Waco — Sept. 8, 1999
“Mr. Speaker, in 1993, 86 civilians were killed in Waco, Texas. Twenty-four of them were innocent children. Most of them burned to death. Until this day, no one knows the truth about Waco, and the reason is quite clear. The FBI lied and the Attorney General of the United States lied. They lied and they covered it up. And after all of these lies, no one, nobody, has been held accountable for the massacre at Waco.
Beam me up, Mr. Speaker; an America that turns its back on Waco is an America that turns its back on freedom and justice. An independent investigation is absolutely warranted to solve this cover-up and get to the truth. I yield back all the lies at the Justice Department. ”
Conflict of Justice — Feb. 14, 2000
“Madam Speaker, when the Justice Department is accused of a crime, the Justice Department investigates the Justice Department. Think about it. Eighty Americans were killed at Waco Texas; the Justice Department investigated themselves. Eighteen of those killed at Waco were children, literally burned to death. The Justice Department investigated themselves. Unbelievable. Peers investigating peers; buddies investigating buddies. Who is kidding whom, Madam Speaker?
If the Justice Department was not guilty at Ruby Ridge, Idaho, when Vickie Weaver was shot right between the eyes, why did the Justice Department pay Randy Weaver $5 million?
Beam me up. Congress should cosponsor H.R. 2201. Madam Speaker, I yield back all the exonerating investigations, self-investigations, at the Justice Department. ”
Junkyard Dog — March 21, 2000
“Mr. Speaker, 19 years ago, I defended myself and was found innocent of RICO violations. Forensic tests proved that the Justice Department used a fraudulent confession against me. What is even worse, at my trial the FBI admitted they had evidence that the agent-in-charge of the Youngstown FBI office, Mr. Stan Peterson, was on the payroll of the Mob, and when he retired, was appointed the chief of police of Youngstown at the direction of the Mob.
Now, if that is not enough to shred the Constitution, the FBI further testified they never investigated Stan Peterson. Enough is enough. I am announcing formally today that I am once again a target of the Justice Department.
Listen, I plan to fight like a junkyard dog, and if I die in that courtroom, bring it on; but I want to thank every Member for their encouragement that they have given me and for their good concerns.
In America, the person governs. We should not fear the IRS. We took care of that. I will be submitting legislation this week that will provide for outside investigations into wrongdoing in the Justice Department. Right now, the Justice Department investigates the Justice Department. Mr. Speaker, I yield back the corruption in the Justice Department. ”
FBI and the Mob — May 2, 2000
“Mr. Speaker, I have evidence that certain FBI agents in Youngstown, Ohio, have violated the RICO statute, and I shall prove it. For years they were owned by the Mob; but now they have made a big mistake, Mr. Speaker. Youngstown FBI agents stole large sums of cash that were vouchered to be paid to their street informants. In addition, they failed to report that cash on their tax returns. Bingo. But what is even worse, they quote/unquote “suggested” to one of their field operative informants that he should commit murder. Mr. Speaker, murder. Not only in Boston, now in Youngstown, Ohio.
It is out of control. The Congress of the United States should pass H.R. 4105. There are buddies investigating buddies in the Justice Department, and they are getting away with murder. Enough is enough. I yield back the FBI fox in the hen house. ”
Animal House — Jan 31, 2001
“Mr. Speaker, graffiti on the walls, furniture destroyed, doors glued shut, garbage in refrigerators. Sounds like Animal House, but I am talking about the Clinton White House. Now if that is not enough to wax your windows, former President Clinton has said, and I quote, he wants “a complete and thorough investigation into this crime at the White House.” Beam me up!
This is the same President that wanted no investigation into Chinese Communist cash being funneled to the Democrat National Committee, and we let him get away with it. Unbelievable.
Mr. Speaker, the White House was not the only American institution that was trashed. The Clinton administration not only trashed, they shredded our Constitution. I yield back the garbage at the former Clinton White House. ”
Halls of Justice Monitor — Feb. 27, 2001
“Mr. Speaker, for 16 years FBI agent Robert Hanssen allegedly stole 6,000 top secret documents and sold them to Russia. Now if that is not enough to rape the Statue of Liberty, the FBI said Hanssen did that all by himself. Unbelievable. I say if Hanssen did that all by himself, I am a fashion leader.
Hey, enough is enough. It is getting so bad, China is buying elections. Laptops with top secrets are disappearing into thin air. Now FBI agents are selling our secrets. Beam me up!
Even a seeing eye dog can smell the fact that we need to pass H.R. 305 and create an agency to monitor the Department of Justice who investigates themselves and never finds any wrongdoing. My God, this is out of hand.
I yield back the fact that the FBI should be looking into FBI agent James Maddak, Sacramento, California, and his activities and urge an investigation. ”
Uncle Sucker — April 3, 2001
“Madam Speaker, while John Huang and James Riady are partying in Hawaii, 24 Americans are being held against their will in China. Think about it, China is taking $100 billion a year out of America, buying missiles with our money, pointing them at us, and now they are holding Americans against their will.
What is next, Madam Speaker? Will they return the 24 Americans when they deliver to the Pentagon the black berets they bought for millions and millions of dollars?
Beam me up! Has Uncle Sam become Uncle Sucker here? I yield back the fact that we should investigate the treason, the treason of Janet Reno and those campaign contributions to the Democrat National Committee.”
“Published originally at EtherZone.com : republication allowed with this notice and hyperlink intact.”