Clintonism: The vulgarization of America (Part II)

Published 16 years ago -  - 16y ago 48

It is reasonable to describe the Clinton library as a virtual leper colony of memorabilia. Among the chipped and powdery artifacts there are a few thumbed over books. It is a reasonable supposition that there was more serious reading going on at the Mustang Ranch than at the Clinton Library. Indeed, any structure that bears Clinton’s name is enough to make the City of Little Rock into the Mogadishu of the Midwest. Clinton personally chose the location for his Library because it was conveniently located near universities – and brothels. Putting the Clinton Library in Arkansas is its own irony. One wonders what use is a warehouse for cockamamie bric-a-brac much less a library in that cultural moonscape. It is worth noting that a Curator was hired to organize the display of the artifacts of the much twittered about Clinton Legacy. In looking for an appropriate place for the Clinton Legacy, the Curator contemplated stuffing it down the toilet as logic suggests it is the first place visitors would look for it. In the end the Clinton Library will be remembered with less affection and respect than the Texas Book Depository.

Here are some of the items listed among its so-called attractions:

  • an illustrated history of Arkansas called “A Trailer Park named Gomorrah”
  • the primitive artwork of young Bill’s days in kindergarten (most of which were drawings of stick figures copulating)
  • a book of translations presented to Clinton by Premier Zhao Ziyang so that Bubba could learn how to say “Show me the money!” in Chinese.
  • the charred Bible that had burst into flames when he was being sworn into office
  • the coin Nostradamus flipped to make his major political predictions
  • a wreath laid by Clinton at The Tomb of the Unknown Pervert
  • a length of rubber tubing Clinton used to siphon the gasoline out an entire Presidential motorcade in case the price of Chevron Supreme ever went through the roof
  • life size oil painting of Whitcomb Judson and Gideon Sundback – inventors of the Zipper
  • an email from an Internet server confirming Bill Clinton’s ownership of the domain name:
  • a projected Hollywood screenplay in which jazz great Charlie Parker comes back to life just long enough to drive a wooden stake through Bill Clinton’s saxophone
  • a complete set of Black and Decker designer sex toys
  • the table cloth Barbra Streisand reaches for when she feels a sneeze coming on
  • an affidavit from Hillary that Bill never used any mind-altering drugs, because there is no drug on Earth that can alter his mind the way she can
  • a photograph of Cindy Sheehan hugging the Reverend Jesse Jackson after he congratulated her on her religious conversion on becoming a born-again traitor
  • gardening tools Bill used to shovel together the manure to be piled up for his State of the Union speeches
  • Morocco bound copy of Hustler Magazine’s anniversary edition
  • Hillary’s framed diploma from the Wellesley School of Menace
  • a letter of appreciation from the Customer Relations Department of the Cali Cartel (with regards to Roger)
  • a CIA photograph showing Fidel Castro’s going through his closet to decide which one of his 2,000 identical fatigue uniforms to wear that day
  • the unpublished manuscript of a book by Alfred Kinsey called A Boy’s Guide to Casual Depravity
  • duplicate copies of Bill Clinton’s tax forms and other financial records – the originals are in the vault of an offshore bank called The Bermuda Triangle Savings and Loan)
  • the crash helmets he and Hillary wore to bed on their wedding night
  • transcripts of the Whitewater investigation in which Bill Clinton made over 500 denials to the Prosecutor’s first ten questions
  • Greyhound bus schedules for university students defecting to Canada
  • a bottle of Hillary’s favorite cologne – Venom No 5
  • the rhinestone shackles worn to Clinton’s Inauguration Ball by Susan McDougal
  • a bust of Bill Clinton that once occupied a niche in Oxford University’s Hall of Dropouts
  • an autographed photograph of a group of American citizens unable to coax George Bush and Vicente Fox out of The Tunnel of Love
  • a copy of Presidente Vicente Fox’s plan for making California into a Mexican theme park (George Bush already is convinced that California is a Mexican theme park)
  • a medical record of Bill Clinton’s circumcision (the doctor who performed the operation named the procedure a triviotomy)
  • Ron Brown’s autopsy report with the Cause of Death words crossed out and the word “accident” penciled in
  • a projected plan by the House of Representatives Committee on Illegal Alien Welfare to guarantee the survival of the un-fittest
  • a draft of Hillary Clinton’s Health Care Plan with a photograph of her loosening a safety cap on a bottle of strychnine
  • a Good Conduct Medal that a female soldier threw in Clinton’s face because he was not content to pin it to her chest but insisted on ramming it down her cleavage
  • a schematic of NASA’s only orbiting polygraph machine that tracks Bill Clinton’s lies by satellite
  • the NAFTA agreement Clinton signed with Mexico trading Pepto-Bismol for salsa
  • the actual coke bottle Bill used in the Oval Office playing Spin-the-Intern
  • a letter of commendation awarded posthumously to Vince Foster (the only true hero the Clinton Administration) who fell in The Battle of Fort Marcy Park
  • an economy size bottle of steroids autographed by Barry Bonds
  • the table stirrups Bill Clinton used as a child when playing doctor
  • Auto Club maps marking locations where Bubba “run out of gas” when driving his high school date home – romantic trysting places referred to as Molesters’ Lanes
  • the actual cup passed around by West Wing secretaries to take up a collection to buy their boss a gift certificate for a free gelding
  • a photograph of Bill Clinton at an orphanage reminding the pupils that in Arkansas any unwanted child can grow up to be an unwanted president
  • the towel thrown in by Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr to end his investigation of the Clinton Whitewater swindles
  • a foggy display case containing genuine Arkansas humidity
  • a shrunken head donated by a Haitian voodoo doctor which Hillary wants Bill to have made into her umbrella handle
  • a mason jar in which Bill Clinton intends to donate his prostate to Yale University. If nobody agrees to sign for it, arrangements have been made to have it airdropped – environmentalists having already rejected the proposal it be buried at sea
  • a jar of lubricant all politicians are given at the opening of Arkansas’s traditional Palm Greasing Festival
  • a collection of table lamps thrown at Bill by Hillary. It is as close as the Clintons ever came to reasoning together
  • a photograph of the Arkansas carwash in which Bill and Hillary exchanged their vows
  • 5000 presidential pardons signed by Bill Clinton and made out To Whom it May Concern
  • the actual bucket in which the North Vietnamese mixed Industrial Strength Lysol to scour an anti-aircraft gun muzzle after Jane Fonda straddled it
  • a section of the Little Rock gutter that Bill Clinton couldn’t keep his mind out of
  • a collection of dots Bubba failed to connect during his administration (he was more interested in connecting stains)
  • a video taken by Bill Clinton on his trip to Africa showing the animals stampeding across the Serengeti Plain. When he asked what started them running, his native guide explained that wildebeest get spooked when they see a crooked politician in the wild

Now that Bill Clinton has built a library in tribute to himself, Hillary will build a cathedral in tribute to herself. It will be called Our Lady of Spite.

So much for the Clinton Library. In the words of Bette Davis, “What a dump!”
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