Who sucks this week?: The God of Paul Begala

Published 15 years ago -  - 15y ago 10


Normally, I prefer not to attack the looks of an ideological opponent, but when it happens to be someone as ugly as Paul Begala why not. Let’s start with his forehead, which is the size of his home state of Texas and easily takes up one half of his face. His eyes are set in deep sockets, surrounded by dark circles, and give a look as if to say, ‘ I think I’m cool, do you think I’m cool?’.  Giving barely enough separation between his eyes to counter suggestions he is an inbred, his nose would make a fine platform for Olympic ski jumping. His mouth is as big as his forehead, and the crevasses that form a perfect circle around it are an animator’s wet dream. The entire hideous display is topped off with a diminishing clump of sludge red hair. This guy makes Joe Conason look dashing.

Looking at Begala I am reminded of every ugly joke I’ve ever heard. The last time I saw something that looked like him, I pinned a tail on it. When he was born the doctor looked at his ass, then his face, and said “Twins!” If ugly were a crime, he’d get the death penalty. His birth certificate was an apology letter from the condom factory.

The differential in the width of his head from the top to his chin is so striking that I am surprised he has enough balance to walk. His head is so big compared to his body that I suspect he was the model for the Martians in Mars Attacks. Then there is his brain, which is not quite as big as the smallest pimple on his ass.

It is that brain that makes Paul Begala suck. The day the Senate passed legislation that would reduce the marriage tax penalty Paul Begala and Ollie North discussed the legislation onEqual Time. Begala attacked  the legislation with the number one complaint that liberals level against tax cuts of any sort. They are unfair. It is unfair, Begala argues, because the legislation gives the poorest married taxpayers a small tax break while the rich get far more. Of course, those who make more pay more taxes, so it is only natural they would receive more in a tax cut. But in Begala’s world it is better not to give the poorest any tax break at all than to give them one that is smaller than that received by the “rich”. 

Tired old tax arguments aside, it was a passing comment by Begala that grabbed my attention. While lambasting the Republican legislation as a boon for the rich Begala referenced the Bible, saying of whom much is given much is expected.  Notwithstanding the obvious commingling of church and state, the comment was completely inaccurate and misplaced.

Depending on the translation, the actual quote from Luke 12:48 is, “For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they ask the more.”

As with all things biblical many interpretations are possible, but I am certain that this passage has nothing to do with forking over money to a central government. What is given are gifts from God, and with these comes the responsibility to use them for the glorification of God, not government. Certainly those who are financially well off should use their time and their resources to assist those less fortunate, but they should do so personally, not by sending a sizeable portion of their hard earned income to the government so that federally funded abortions can be performed, or to pay the salaries of bureaucrats in the Department of Education who ensure that if any subjects at all are taught in school, morality and decency are not among them.

The second part of the verse–which Begala conveniently left out– is worthy of examination. “And to whom men have committed much, of him they ask the more.” In other words, those in whom much responsibility is entrusted are to be judged by a higher standard. Stated another way, the more responsibility one carries, the greater the judgment when that responsibility is disregarded. If Begala really wants to apply Luke 12:48 to the government then perhaps he should apply it to the one person in our nation who carries more responsibility than anyone, President Clinton.

Of course, as a paid hack for Clinton during the Lewinsky scandal, Begala had ample opportunity to hold his boss to the stringent biblical standards he requires of married taxpayers, but he failed to do so. All he could say about Bill Clinton’s disregard for the responsibility of the presidency was, “Well, he didn’t–let me be clear–he didn’t have any relationship with her [Lewinsky] that I would consider improper.”

Begala’s flippant use of such a powerful, and universally recognized spiritual maxim as contained in Luke 12:48 reveals much about how he and his ilk view government. It is their god, and they think nothing of perverting the scriptures to make a cheap, political point. It is government that liberals look to for answers. It is of government that liberals sing songs of praise, and it is government that liberals worship. I wouldn’t be surprised to here Begala reciting, “Thou shalt love the lord thy Government with all thy heart, with all thy might, mind, and strength.”

Begala is the king of the flippant remark. Of Bill Clinton’s numerous extra-constitutional executive orders, Begala remarked with childish amazement, “Stroke of the pen. Law of the land. Kinda cool.” Not so cool to the people of Utah who lost 1.8 million acres of valuable land when without public hearings and despite the objections of the state’s political leaders, Clinton’s stroke of the pen created the Escalante National Monument. That’s a lot like Clinton taking away one’s back yard without telling them. It may be cool to Begala, but it is not just.

Begala has even managed to outrage Iranians and Iraqis, saying he loves it “when Republicans fight. It is like when Iran and Iraq fight each other. You want heavy casualties, on all sides”. MSNBC made him apologize for that one. I guess even they have higher standards of conduct than the White House.

 And finally this gem. “If goofy ideas ever go to $40 a barrel, I want the drilling rights to Dick Armey’s head.”

Well Begala, if ugly ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want the rights to your face. Better yet, I’ll just issue my own executive order giving me the rights to your face. After all, you’re so ugly when you sit in the sand the cat tries to bury you. When you make your twice weekly visits to the shrink he makes you lie facedown. But as ugly as you are Paul, there’s only one problem with your face– it shows! And that sucks.

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