UN promises New Orleans massive aid!: Reconstruction fund passes unanimously

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Written By Robert Sentry

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Image courtesy of Ashitaka San under CC BY-NC 2.0.

Kofi Annan’s hastily called meeting of UN members has produced a unanimous decision to send massive aid to the United States for the reconstruction of New Orleans.

Iran jumped onboard very quickly. Supreme leader of Iran, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, stated emphatically that, “the generosity of the Americans after our two recent earthquakes must be returned. We were only waiting for an American disaster anyway to return the money, and this is of the scale that we believe is just and right. America, through my good friend President Bush, sent us millions of American dollars after our earthquakes. Bam has already been rebuilt by American dollars. Iran will rebuild New Orleans.”

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei then added “we will sell the Russian nuclear facility back to Russia and send 100% of the proceeds to the good people of New Orleans, on top of our already promised aid.” Mr. Khamenei then held up a large “Golden Key to the Nation” and offered it to the IAEA, and said, “All facilities are open for inspection. Any weapon of mass destruction facility found by the IAEA will be sold for scrap and the proceeds sent to the New Orleans Reconstruction Fund of the World Bank .” The World Bank has canceled pending loans to Yemen and Saudi Arabia and will instead send this money to the New Orleans Reconstruction Fund.

Kofi Annan was quick to cool the growing flames of passion in the swelling pledges earmarked for New Orleans. A virtual tsunami of pledges was building rapidly Sunday afternoon. Mr. Annan reminded all members that 7% of their GDP must be given to the general fund and the UN will decide where this aid money will go.

However, Jacques Chirac, who personally flew to New York to represent France and to hand over the check to President Bush, stood up in anger and immediately announced he would not follow Annan’s orders. Mr. Chirac said that France will pledge $1 billion (USD equivalent) and has ordered the French aircraft carrier “Charles de Gaulle” to the Gulf of Mexico to aid in relief efforts. Mr. Chirac pounded the table and denounced any implication by Annan that money should flow through to the UN first before being distributed to the Americans in need. Mr.Chirac said that “Americans spilled blood for France. I will be damned if there is one day delay in getting our $1 billion (USD equivalent) to America.”

“I will be damned if there is one day delay in getting our $1 billion (USD equivalent) to America.”–Jacques Chirac

Chirac personally flew to the UN to represent France for the New Orleans Reconstruction Fund vote” width=”200″ height=”149″ align=”left” />Mr. Chirac also stated that “now may be as good time as any to apologize on behalf of France to the family of Ronald Reagan and the people of the United States for the unfortunate mistakes in the past related to Libya.” Chirac has also mobilized troops, as part of his New Orleans aid package, to send to Iraq to join forces with the American and British troops to “fight terrorism wherever it may be.”

Although the government of Thailand announced that they too would be glad to return some of the tsunami money to aid New Orleans, they have yet to put a dollar price but promised their pledge would be finalized before Monday 0800 (GMT). However, the working girls of Thailand said that if the US Air Force can get them to New Orleans, they would like to give free massages to the relief workers in thanks for the tsunami money. When asked if they would need translators, a spokeswoman for the girls said, “No, all we need to know how to say is ‘what type of massage you like.’ ”

Germany has announced its first installment of USD 800 million, but noted that more installments will soon follow. Ambassador Wolfgang Friedrich Ischinger noted that the installment system is symbolic in memory of the continual ongoing flights of US cargo planes during the Berlin Blockade of 1948-49. “We may not make as many installments as the air sorties flown by American airmen,” Ischinger said, ” but it is the symbolism that we are so intent on giving as a thanks to the American people. The Eurodollars will be flowing to America in installments symbolic of the C-47s and C-54s in 1948-49.”

China also announced that the hundreds of billions of dollars flowing into the China from American importers will have a portion turned around 180 degrees and be earmarked for their “good friends in America who have shown such generosity over the years in past natural disasters.” Ambassador Yang Jiechi announced an immediate halt to DF-31 ICBM production until “the final brick in the wall is put in place in the reconstructed New Orleans.”

The outpouring of sympathy, money and prayers, especially from the Muslims in the Arab world, has been unprecedented. Indonesia is holding an emergency meeting to vote on returning all money sent by the United States for the tsunami last year. “We had a lot of dead corpses,” one official said, “but it was just the beach that got messed up a little. There will be massive destruction 200 miles inland in the United States so we feel embarrassed that so much money was sent our way when only a hundred feet or so of our beaches were temporarily flooded. Being that so much more damage will be seen in the United States, we must return this money, Allah willing.”

George Bush stated this shows that America’s $ trillion dollars of foreign aid over the years has warmed the hearts of all the people of the world. We are one.” Bush stated that with so much money pledged for New Orleans, it is possible now for him to increase the aid to Africa from $15 billion (USD) to 30 billion. “Whatever comes in must go out,” Bush said.

“New Orleans may suffer tremendous damage, but it will bring the world closer together”, Kofi Annan said, recovering from the tirade launched against him by Jacques Chirac. Annan said that the “sooner New Orleans is rebuilt, the sooner we can convince the United States to send 7% of their GDP to the Millennium Project. President Bush stated that although he is busy keeping in touch with the Louisiana Governor, his #1 priority is the UN Millenium Project and may ask John Bolton to propose increasing Annan’s 7% request of US GDP to 10%.

“No Category 5 hurricane is going to stop me from helping those poor folks in Africa and elsewhere,” Bush said. “Now excuse me. I have to go check to see if there is anymore foreign debt I can cancel.”

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