The Democrats are the political equivalent of the Galapagos Islands where time decided that Evolution ain’t all it’s cracked up to be and made a U turn. The idea of a Carter followed by a Clinton followed by a Kerry makes one marvel at the Democrats’ capacity to spawn human dross. Any consideration of the leading exponents and their idolaters and drones indicates the Democrat Party’s urgent need to be, not only reformed, but wormed. Currently, the Democrats volunteer the nation the services of John Kerry and John Edwards, a traitor and a towel boy. Dickens would have entitled this episode “A Tale of Two Johns”, which suggests the Democrats would be a cinch to lock in the “hooker” vote.
Democrats are as crooked as the proverbial dog’s hind legs. When a Democrat says “No child left behind” he is prompted by the memory of Bruno Hauptman who kidnapped the Lindbergh baby. Clinton and Kerry operate like guys you hire to install rain gutters on your house, and when you come home early you find them stuffing your roof into the trunk of their car. It’s time to protect the gene pool by rounding up horny Democrat politicos for a gang gelding, although the Democrat Party will thrive so long as traitors and perverts need a place to nest.
Consider some of these Democrat luminaries:
Al Gore boasts of having invented the Internet. We have him to thank for having brought with it the twin blessings of child pornography and spam. Thanks, Al.
The Dem’s top financial finagler is Terry McAuliffe, regarded as the white Ron Brown, who was found with a hole in his head, which the Democrats explained away as .38 caliber migraine. No further judgment of him could be more eloquent – or final.
The mousy Senator Patty Murray is the pulp that is left after wringing the last ounce of perk out of Katie Couric. After a verbal fellatio she rendered to Osama bin Laden, Patty became known as the “seditious scullion of the Senate”.
Democrat Michael Dukakis proclaimed he would not seek the death penalty for anyone who raped and murdered his wife. Likely he anticipated the rapist would be a Democrat, even more than likely, Bill Clinton, who already had at least one rape we know of on his résumé. The idea of the rape and murder of his wife did offend Michael Dukakis sufficiently to justify the death penalty. What then does it take? When one considers Michael Dukakis is a Democrat the question becomes rhetorical.
Michael Moore’s television appearances have satisfied the curiosity of everyone whoever wondered what a scrotum looks like wearing a baseball cap.
Teddy Kennedy never had a drinking problem. He had a stopping problem.
He tapers off frequently because he enjoys the “rush” of tapering back on. Kennedy was the first rehab patient that caused Betty Ford to send for the bouncer. Incidentally, where was Teddy Kennedy in those critical days before Laci Peterson’s body bobbed to the surface?
Maxine Waters has her priorities in order. She wants Bush to pull our troops from Iraq – immediately after he withdraws the cops from the inner city. She represents the 35th District of California – sometimes known as Fallujah – West.
Mario Cuomo heard the tape of Bill Clinton telling Gennifer Flowers that, due to Mario’s Italian origin, he must have connections with the Mafia. That was not only politically incorrect, but actionable. The Sopranos would consider Cuomo a “wuss”, and the Corleones would consider him a Sicilian “factory reject”. (Cuomo would look distinctly out of place in the witness protection program or a Martin Scorsese movie.)
As long as there is such a thing as a gay bar, Democrat Barney Frank will never have to wait for Mr. Right to come along. Until recently, no one knew New Jersey Democrat Governor James E. McGreevey spent most of his time in office rinsing out his leotards, and, now there is a Democrat in San Francisco who is a kind of sexual amphibian. (Assigning his/her/it a gender is complicated by the fact that his/her/it is reported to have climbed Mount Everest in ballet slippers.)
The Mainstream Media is like the crew of the Titanic, chopping holes in the hull to let the water run out. Throw a dart through any open window at CBS (The Colonic Broadcasting Company) and you’re bound to impale a Democrat.
That brings us to Mr. Democrat himself …
BILL CLINTON: THE ARKANSAS AFFLICTION
Oscar Wilde might have anticipated Bill Clinton when he described an acquaintance of his as “one of those people who would be immeasurably improved by death”. Unhappily, Bubba survived. While he was in the hospital, a medical journal speculated that Clinton’s doctors could have made an immeasurable contribution to stem cell research by cutting off his stem and putting him in a cell. After opening him up, doctors concluded the rumors that Clinton had a heart were greatly exaggerated, existing only as a sort of public relations metaphor. It is conceivable that Clinton’s heart had already been by-passed at birth by the Great I Am. (The success of Bubba’s operation has led Democrats to question whether Hillary Clinton might have a better chance of becoming President by submitting to a surgical procedure to have that telltale dorsal fin removed from her back.)
It had been expected that Clinton would inevitably become a component in the comic book decadence of Hollywood where he could work his counterfeit charm on the celebrity-addicted, and have easy access to ambitious young starlets who divide their coquetry between dirty old men and dirtier old men.
Not so secretly, Bubba longs to succeed Kofi Annan as head of the United Nations, that calamitous world stage on which is played out the disparity between Mankind’s aspiration and its performance. The Third World is currently the UN’s reckless proprietors. They have made of it the Devil’s crucible, and, worse, the Palestinians’ playground. History annotates that Mount Vesuvius left Pompeii more presentable than the Palestinians left Beirut. Delegates hope that the funereal atmosphere of the UN will be relieved by Bill Clinton’s happy-go-shitty demeanor. In anticipation of his libertine inclinations, Clinton will likely be sworn into that office on a copy of Fanny Hill.
It is fitting that Bill Clinton should occupy the ultimate sinecure, Secretary General of the United Nations, as he is, after all, a world-class prick. No one has more impeccable credentials for global debauchery. As the UN’s top turd, instead of selling out nations one at a time, Clinton would be able to betray the whole world at once. The nation will again lament never having quarantined Arkansas early on to keep the Clinton sepsis from afflicting the entire planet. (The Arkansas Hall of Records does not catalogue the Clinton family’s genealogy – just its scatology.) Under Bill Clinton’s aegis, Tobacco Road will be re-routed through the General Assembly, and Gomorrah will be given a seat on the Security Council.
Clinton already has in contemplation writing his memoirs as the head of the UN, to be entitled The World is My Bedpan. At present, the Clintons’ only abiding interests are in promoting each other’s books. The last time they plugged anything else with as much enthusiasm was on their wedding night. Bill’s book should be named a Pornography Club Selection of the Month, and top the list of reading matter adolescents most likely will lock themselves in the bathroom with. More of Bubba’s perversions will be inventoried in an upcoming book by Monica Lewinsky entitled, “Presidents I Have Nibbled On”. [Note: The dry cleaners finally have succeeded in getting the stains out of Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress – at least the big chunks. Ugh!]
Even though Clinton has been alleged to be “the first black President of the U.S.”, he would be denied the status of being the first black Secretary General of the United Nations, and by no means the first corrupt black one. Bubba would succeed Kofi Annan, the Zulu Elder who thinks like a Kikuyu goatherd, and is as underhanded as a dealer in Rick’s café in Casablanca. Kofi, who on his better days looks like a well-dressed wino, is up to his ass in the UN criminal conspiracy called Oil for Food. Annan says the Iraq war hasn’t made the world any safer as it interfered with his administration of global chaos. Annan only managed to aggravate the Third World’s starvation and epidemics; Bill Clinton could show him how to organize and exploit it. In any event, it is time for Kofi Annan to jump on the first safari back to Oogaboogaland.
TE-RAY-ZA
The inimitable Henny Youngman spoke of the time his wife yearned to travel. She said, “Take me someplace I’ve never been.” – “So I took her to the kitchen.” I suspect that description might well fit that over-indulged pseudo-cosmopolite, Teresa Heinz Kerry
John and Teresa Heinz Kerry are incarnate anagoges of the symbiotic relationship between megabuck millionaires and the mini-buck minorities they fatten on. Teresa Heinz, the billionaire bag lady, is an over the hill sex symbol. You don’t often see someone wear a G-string and a shawl. Presumably in her native Mozambique that was her fashion statement. In marrying John Kerry, Teresa Heinz established in the Senate a new level of bimbo availability, and reinforced Bill Clinton’s conversion of Washington to a badminton court for sexual shuttlecocks.
It is ironic in the extreme to hear Teresa Heinz Kerry hold forth about health care. Until recently she thought Vaccine was the name of one of the colored maids who clean her house. (Teresa would do well to see the Charlie Chaplin film noire Monsieur Verdoux, who courted, married, and dispatched rich women. This sagging socialite would do well to take an AK47 to bed with her, just in case Kerry decides to strangle her – before he decides not to strangle her.)
Teresa, whose manner suggests a floozy barmaid at a truck stop, would find herself chronically under-tipped. She is preceded everywhere by her unique scent, which she wears to remind people of her husband’s much-advertised exploits in Viet Nam, a cologne called Napalm No 5. On her better days Teresa looks like the door prize at an end-of-the-world party.
In Hillary Clinton and Teresa Heinz the Democrats unveiled the true meaning of WMD – Women of Mass Destruction. It was just a matter of time until Teresa got around to casting aspersions on Laura Bush. The fact is Laura Bush deserves to be put on a pedestal, while Teresa Heinz deserves to be put under one.
JOHN FORBES KERRY
If in John Kerry you are expecting to meet an honorable person, you’re going to be disappointed. But if you’re expecting to meet a guy who betrays his comrades, exploits widows and embarrasses the nation – well, he’s not a bad guy. If Kerry wins the Presidency the White House may experience its first mutiny.
As President, Kerry promises he will give the job everything his wife has. This collector of wealthy and over-ripe bimbos might consider supporting our armed forces only when he sees red-eyed, scimitar-wielding mullahs, coming up Beacon Hill to wrest his wife’s estate away from him.
Kerry inherited the support of Bill Clinton’s glitzy celebrities, prominent among them, Cher. For most people a brain is something you use, and a body is something that makes demands on you. In Cher’s case, her body is something she uses; her brain has yet to be called upon.
Daunting as the task was, the Democrats undertook the challenge of finding a more unconscionable traitor to be their champion than Bill Clinton. Like Clinton, Kerry has more of the qualifications of a parasite than a president. Lieutenant Kerry’s picture hangs in the Hanoi Hall of Treason – appropriately right next to Lieutenant Iscariot.
John Kerry was in Viet Nam four and a half months, just long enough to razz American POWs chained to the walls in the Hanoi Hilton, moon Old Glory, and relieve himself in a peasant’s rice paddy. [Note: It is monstrous that the mainstream media has the temerity to impeach the integrity of highly-decorated survivors of years of torture in North Vietnamese prisons. Kerry does not defend himself – no honorable or logical defense coming readily to mind.]
The military concedes they could not have lost the war as expeditiously without him. He is the only veteran eligible to be awarded the Plastic Cross for Self-Proclaimed Valor. Military historians have come to the conclusion the main reason we lost the war in Viet Nam was John Kerry’s aim. He was the only guy who nominated himself for a Purple Heart as a result of being hit by a ricochet from his water pistol. It has been alleged that his wounds were self-inflicted. When one considers John Kerry’s looks, it is more likely that his sexual pleasures are self-inflicted. The reason Kerry threw his decorations away is because his ribbons faded from mildew. His swift boat crew organized a pool on whether his Purple Hearts would turn yellow before he did.
A Kerry nuance-laden speech is laced with absurdities. Recently, he tried to convince a group of environmentalists that he wasn’t actually hunting. He only shot the goose because it pulled a knife on him. He has labeled terrorism “a nuisance” and, doubtless, will move on to re-designate the war in Iraq as “camping out”. You can always tell a devil by the need to display a Styrofoam conscience. Kerry’s generous Health Plan is to pack every hospital emergency room with illegal aliens – whether they are sick or not. He has held it to be a constitutional right to have unsafe sex – as long as, in fairness, the disease is returned in good condition, to the person who gave it to you.
It is an enigma why Kerry is so proud of his Gallic antecedents, considering that
throughout history so many Frenchmen proved to be crazy. Even Napoleon thought he was Napoleon. Despite the Kerrys’ affinity for the Gauls, you can tell this is an election year when John and Teresa go into French restaurants and ask for menus in Ebonics. Kerry feels he can convince France to pull the coalition’s chestnuts out of the fire. He is fluent in French except for one phrase. When Jacques Chirac asked him, “Exactly what part of the sentence ’Help is not on the way’ don’t you understand?” It is worth remembering, the last time the French faced an enemy rather than fight. they scuttled their fleet. It was the most trivial skirmish up to the time Kerry started his self-inflicted Purple Heart collection – which traitors swap like baseball cards.
When it comes right down to it, Republicans may not be perfect, but for the sake of Humanity – better Halliburton than Heinz – better homophobes than homos.