If the hatfields and McCoys did it: So can Sharon and Abbas

Published 16 years ago -  - 16y ago 41

People who complain about how ineffectual and out of touch President Bush is are in for a big surprise. Because of his latest decision we may soon see the end of Middle East killing and turmoil.

A White House spokesman reported that President Bush, upon reading the latest dispatch from The Associated Press, immediately took steps to put the gist of the AP article into creative action.

We are about to see a plan for peace in the Middle East that, according to high-ranking government officials, has a great chance to succeed, and little or no chance of failing.

Here is what gave Bush the inspiration.

According to the AP wire, Appalachia’s longest, bloodiest, and most infamous feud has just ended peacefully. After a century of feuding, in which over a dozen lives were lost, more than 60 descendants of the Hatfields and McCoys met in Pikesville, Kentucky to sign a symbolic, but long overdue, end to the feud. Which they say began with a dispute over the ownership of a pig.

The truce was made official by Kentucky Gov. Paul Patton and West Virginia Gov. Bob Wise who declared June 14th Hatfield and McCoy Reconciliation Day.

“We’re not saying you don’t have to fight, because sometimes you do have to fight,” Reo Hatfield said, “but you don’t have to fight forever.”

Ron McCoy went further: “The Hatfields and McCoys symbolized violence and feuding and fighting, but by signing this, hopefully people will realize that’s not the final chapter.”

This auspicious occasion and the good feelings it inspired was what one White House official said prompted President Bush to create this ultimate Middle East peace plan. “It’s even better than my highly-regarded “Road Map,” the President was heard to say.

The core of the new plan was to have four or five members of both the Hatfield and McCoy families flown to the Middle East region in Air Force One with President and Mrs. Bush and a special team of peace envoys.

Preparations were being made by telephone for both Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abba to meet the two families in Jerusalem and have a frank discussion with them about the senseless nature of the Hatfield and McCoy feud.

President Bush and his foreign policy advisors are so confident that when the Hatfields and McCoys tell the story of their mindless feuding and fighting for more than a hundred years, and finally signing the peace document, Sharon and Abba will see the wisdom of the reconciliation and order both of their armed forces to stop killing each other and jointly take an oath for peace.

Anxious to join the President and his entourage on Air Force One, and to meet the prime ministers of Israel and the Palestinians, Ron McCoy and Reo Hatfield sat down together, according to an unidentified source, and began casually discussing the trip.

HATFIELD: Gonna to be fun flying with the President, won’t it, Ron?

McCOY: Sure will, Reo. And meeting Sharon and Abbas will be real exciting. . .

HATFIELD: How much about our families do you think President Bush wants us to tell those guys?

McCOY : You mean why our families did all that dumb feuding?


McCOY : Let’s tell them why we buried the hatchet instead.

HATFIELD: No, I mean before that.

McCOY : Oh, well, I guess we could tell them about that crazy pig and how our great-grand parents got arguing over it.

HATFIELD: Y’know, Ron, I always said, there should never have been an argument about that pig. Everybody in town knew that porker belonged to us.

McCOY: Like hell it did, Reo!

HATFIELD: You calling me a liar, mister?

McCOY: If you’re sayin’ that it was YOUR family’s pig, I’m calling you a liar…

HATFIELD: Nobody calls a Hatfield a liar unless he wants a fat lip.

McCOY: You ain’t big enough, Hatfield!

HATFIELD: Step over here and repeat that, McCoy!

McCOY: You and the whole damn Hatfield bunch can take a flying leap at the moon.

HATFIELD: That does it, you West Virginia coal-dirt trash!

McCOY: Go get you iron, Hatfield, and we’ll settle this right now.

HATFIELD: I don’t need no gun to whip yer ass, McCoy!

* * * * * * * *

After Hatfield and McCoy were pulled off each other, and the blood and dirt were washed away, the families separated and headed for home. It is not known whether their feud has resumed.

Needless to say, President Bush’s grand idea for a Middle East peace program reverted back to the “Road Map.”

Apologetic phone calls were made to Sharon and Abbas, informing them that a tractor had run over Hatfield’s foot, hospitalizing him, and McCoy was in bed with an unknown virus, so the meeting would have to be postponed indefinitely.

Just as well.

Published originally at EtherZone.com : republication allowed with this notice and hyperlink intact.”

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