Honey, have you drugged the kids?: Baby-sitter-in-a-bottle

Published 15 years ago -  - 15y ago 31


thermometer-833085_1280On January 3, the Food and Drug Administration approved fluoxetine (a.k.a. prozac) for use on children as young as seven years old.

What brilliance this is. Parents are too stressed out these days to be worried about a toy that is broken, or shoes that somehow manage to come untied, or a monster hiding under someone’s little bed. Better to let Mommy and Daddy just pop a pill in the youngin’s mouth and then get some rest. It’s been such a long day.

And what about all those lovely side effects that the FDA says will be the same for kids as for adults? It seems the “serotonin reuptake inhibitor” that comes in a pill may cause nausea, tiredness, nervousness, dizziness and difficulty concentrating. It’s just what America’s parents needed. This way, when they come in with a tummy-ache, you can just tell the children that this is normal. And little ones no longer need to spin round and round to get dizzy — that comes in a pill too.

Anyone who has ever tried to put a young one to bed before they are worn out will be relieved at the chemically induced fatigue, which also comes with our pill. Instead of asking to stay up for a little while longer, children will be asking if they can go to bed early. How nice, now Mom and Dad can enjoy all that prime-time propaganda on TV in peace and quiet. Never mind their nervousness, or that your kids can’t concentrate enough to play with the toys you bought them for Christmas. Hey, maybe you’ll save some money there too.

And speaking of saving money, it seems our little baby-sitter-in-a-bottle also stunts growth. According to the FDA, after 19 weeks of treatment with prozac, children gained about one half-inch less in height. They also gained about two pounds less when compared to the unfortunate batch of lab-rat kids who received a placebo.

The FDA says, “clinical significance of this observation on long-term growth is unknown”. But with less little brothers and sisters these days (no one to use those hand-me-downs as American parents are having fewer children), stunted growth that may come with fluoxetine will mean that the little ones won’t outgrow their clothes any time soon.

The beauty of this is manifest as an added benefit, since the kids aren’t going to be playing too hard in those clothes either. They will wear out less frequently. As American textile industries have been gutted, reducing the need for child-sized garments may also be a matter of national security. OK, that’s a stretch. But stretching clothes seems to be less likely in our doped future, so maybe this makes up the difference.

And adding to the national security aspects of pill-based chemical parents, isn’t it true that with less demands on them associated with rearing their children, parents can now devote even more time to our government slave-state? After all, they now spend almost the entire first half of every year just working to pay off their taxes. This leaves little time for baseball, gymnastics, soccer, or dance lessons.

And what worthless pursuits for children anyway — better that we just alter those little minds so they won’t be interested in such nonsense. After all, how much of our nation’s GDP is spent on silly things like after-school plays or band practice? With the “war on terrorism” needing more and more of our attention thank the lucky stars (or the FDA) that we’ve finally got a permanent effortless distraction for the kids. America’s parents need relief from that responsibility so that when the Department of Homeland Security asks them to spy on the neighbors, they’ve got more time for it.

Our new parent-in-a-pill should come in red, white, and blue. The government has done a great thing for this country. And besides, who cares about the next generation of Americans? Parents don’t have to worry about it anymore as Uncle Sam does that for them. Maybe the Doc will give kids an extra dose for the Fourth of July. Just don’t take them to see any fireworks.

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