Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi’s last words: The first sanity muttered

Published 12 years ago -  - 12y ago 35

Note to Readers: Scientific Americano reports Global warming failed to heat Kaliher’s coffee for the eighth straight day.

Today’s article is a change of pace. I’ve decided to present a few notes from my travel journal. The other day I was astro-projecting around the earth. I’d secretly lusted over some beautiful European women and decided to drop in on China. I was about half-way there when all hell broke loose. The United States had decided to whack whack-off number two right as I was crossing Iraq. I shuddered, shook and slowed up to look. Lo and behold they’d blown a brand new a-hole for al-Zarqawi.

I astro-projected down to the ruins. The top terrorist turd wasn’t quite dead. Now, you gotta remember my Arabic language skills are a bit rusty but I listened to his mumbling through his crying. I can’t swear the following interpretations of his last words are one hundred percent accurate. They have a fuzzy language to match their minds. So, I offer the top fifty-five possibilities. Take your pick while knowing they’ll be more accurate than anything the N.Y. Times prints or a disgraced army retiree writes for CBS.

Holy Mohammad’s ass, that American shock and awe is really awesome and shocking.

Are the Americans celebrating July the Fourth early?

Hide my favorite Japanese blow-up doll from the sex-starved Yankees.

Is there a Priest nearby for last rites? I didn’t like the glimpse of Allah’s paradise I just had.

I can see clearly now.

Usama ain’t Jack Shit, it was me.

Is there time to make an honest woman of my goat before I die?

Oh no, and I’ve only got three more payments left on my camel.

I’m innocent on the Berg deal. Little Nickie Berg begged me to prevent him from ever suffering his father again.

Tell the American pigs I learned to shoot my gun since the video.

Thank God they didn’t parachute Ann Coulter in on me.

You Bushies will do anything to prevent another Democrat vote.

Could you have my fan Barbara Streisand sing “Dixie” at my funeral? I was spawned in southern Jordan you know?

Tell Saddam his boring-ass trial is a better deal.

Damn, I wanted to try pork at least once before I left.

And to think, I was supposed to start selling encyclopedias door-to-door next week.

You know, this terrorism ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

I truly believe this is an Excedrin headache number 4,622.

Why wasn’t Bill Clinton or John Kerry in office when I needed them?

I’ve never known a woman.

Will they rank me up there with my hero Ted Bundy?

Just because I came out in favor of gay marriage.

Did they blow up all the Bud too?

This little explosion has at least taken my mind off my jock itch and fleas.

Tell Laura I love her.

You know, right at this moment, I don’t think the prophet knew what he      was talking about.

Tell Osama the last time we met, I wiped with my right hand three times the day before, hahahaheehee.

Tell my betrothed Keith Olbermann we’ll share another enema in paradise.

Damn I hate to die before finding out if Bonds was on steroids.

Don’t let the infidels find my half-eaten package of pork skins.

Who’s going to update my “My Space” entry now?

I only wanted to make the Larry King show.

Now I understand Murphy’s Law much better.

Just don’t let them drive a stake through my heart.

What was that whistling sound?

Will someone pay Abdul a cock for me?

Tell them al-Zarqawi was a eunuch of the first order.

Maybe my brother was right. I could be driving a cab in New York right now?

May President Bush’s milk curdle before his very eyes?

I bet a hateful, mean-spirited Republican was behind this.

Global warming my hairy ass. Global warming was never a bigger threat than al-Zarqawi.

I’ll confess it was my pubic hair on Anita Hill’s Pepsi can.

Did this cure my lisp?

What the hey? Just because I wasn’t an illegal immigrant Bush has to act like an a-hole.

I’d like a hospital offering private rooms.

Dang, everyone else got Club Gitmo.

Was that Avon calling?

I knew I was in trouble when Karl Rove slid behind the scenes again.

You know, Jacques Chirac isn’t going to appreciate this.

Good shot George. You getting advice on aiming from Cheney?

I should have never skipped Introduction to Terrorism 101.

These environmental whackos outta feel a bomb if they want to know about Global     Warming.

Yes George, I can hear you now?

How bout my jihad?

Et tu Bush?

Now, my dear readers, I can only hope G.W. Bush will step forward and be the compassionate conservative and Christian he claims to be. Mr. al-Zarqawi has long been a hero of and a tireless worker for the left. It’s time to forgive and forget. Mr. Bush should allow Democrat Senators to have al-Zarqawi lay in state for a wake during the next Democrat caucus. I believe it would really be touching to allow Michael Berg, Jesse Jackson, Cindi Sheehan, Nancy Pelosi and Senator Kerry to form a little choir for the occasion. They could quietly hum Swing Low Sweet Chariot while so-called mainstream media personalities file past and Congressman Jack, aka. John, Murtha offers the eulogies.


Published originally at EtherZone.com : republication allowed with this notice and hyperlink intact.”

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