Note to Readers: CIA sources claim Mr. Abu Musab al-Zarqawi left all his worldly belongings to Kaliher.
I’ve figured out the cure for illegal immigration and outsourcing. Surprisingly, to the idiots and/or liberals among us, both rich Democrats and their usual suspects, filthy, rich Republicans have gained from these two odious practices.
The evil Republicans hire destitute third world illegal laborers to work far below minimum wage in their sweat shops. However, to maximize profits, they don’t reduce the price of the cheaply made products. My Democrat friends tell me these tycoons were making seventy cents on the dollar before illegal immigration. That means they’re now making a dollar twenty-seven cents per dollar on the back of these disadvantaged illegal individuals. (Conservatives and libertarians–ignore the math; this part is written in liberalease.)
As egregious as the Republicans obscene profit is, it’s even more reprehensible when studying rich Democrats. The seating of an Attorney General in the Clinton administration proved there’s no liberal, female attorney in America, who managed a pregnancy, who hasn’t hidden an illegal or three away in the family mansion. Look at the immaculate lawns in wealthy liberal neighborhoods. Keep watching and you’ll soon spot a Tomas, Ricardo or Harri wielding a machete. Admittedly the Democrat is not rolling in the wealth made on the backs of the down-trodden. Instead he is enjoying two dollar-a-day lawn care and bragging about his humanity by claiming he’s helping the downtrodden. The idiots don’t consider they’d have to give up drinking coffee at Starbucks if they paid Americans even minimum wages for lawn care, house care and baby sitting.
The long and the short of the situation: only the wealthy are robbing their fellow Americans by taking advantage of the needy illegals. The rich are paying no price for destroying the borders and are avoiding taxes. However, Kaliher has the cure and he’s not even going to make it part of his Kaliher for President by proxy campaign.
Here’s the deal. We’ve got twenty million illegals in the country, thanks to the rich of both parties. They may average a third grade education and qualify for little more than back breaking labor. We must offset this situation by inviting twenty million highly educated illegal immigrants into the country. This step will ensure the middle class and poor reap as many benefits as the rich.
Lawyers
America is purported to have eighty percent of all the attorneys in the world. That is obviously not enough. These bastards have wheedled themselves into every corner of American life. School districts, state and federal agencies and privately owned companies have to hire attorneys to survive. Tax money stolen from the citizen keeps these legal leeches driving Mercedes or better. The citizen is even shaken down to hire attorneys to perform liberal do-gooder jobs from public defenders to outreach efforts for the poor. Yet, the average American cannot find justice or afford legal representation for ninety percent of the problems in America.
How many times in the past year or two have you, Dear Reader, received shoddy service or gotten screwed when having something repaired? If your loss to some two-bit bum was less than two or three thousand dollars, you’re stuck. The police won’t do anything and you’ll pay more than the loss to hire an educated charlatan to sue the charlatan that cheated you.
The solution is to import, minimally, six million illegal barristers from India. These illegals would speak English albeit with an accent, work cheap, and given their musty, brown skin, they’d blend well with the current crop of illegals. They’ve been trained in the British legal system and with a three-week course they could master the differences in that system and ours. Think of the improvement in society with real supply and demand applied to American lawyers.
If Eddie Oilcan didn’t put the plug back in during your last oil change and ruined your engine, you could actually afford an attorney to find justice. You could laugh at shyster Sylvester Shylock, IV demanding 250 bucks an hour or savage Sandra Slick charging 350. No sir, you go on down to Brown’s boarding house and look through the sixteen Indian attorneys sharing a room and pick out Anshuman Chaitanya to represent you for sixteen dollars and four cents.
Before you know it, the schools, physicians and various agencies would realize they could obtain legal representation for sixty-five dollars a week if they started serving curry in the lunchrooms. America’s fat cat attorneys would rapidly discover the joy of driving inexpensive Honda’s. Sylvester Shylock and Sandra Slick would soon be offering legal representation without an accent for twenty bucks an hour.
Bringing illegal attorneys in from India would even reduce the American crime rate. Take the shooting that occurred not four blocks from Big Earl’s House of Porn & Bait Shop yesterday. Bubba Watson had his watermelon field looking nice. He’d told Bubba Smith six times not to be wandering in there and helping himself to a melon. He’d called deputy sheriff Bubba Shuler once and COPS came out armed with cameras and filmed the dispute. Nothing worked, and Bubba Watson was finally driven to distraction. He took the law into his own hands and peppered Bubba Smith’s hind end with a bit of number 4-birdshot. That type of violence wouldn’t have been necessary had Bubba Watson been able to hire Chandrashekhar Gandi (Soon to known in the community as Bubba Gandi) to come out, photograph good melons gnawed down to the rind and sue Bubba Smith.
Engineers
Why in heck should we be paying millions and billions for various construction projects that drive up the cost of products? Can you imagine the savings we could realize via illegal immigrant Engineers? Let’s say we bring about six million of these guys in from Eastern Europe to offset the color of our Mexican and Indian illegals. Shucks, the last construction project by American engineers should be a tunnel under the Rio Grande for illegal engineers to sneak through.
Examine the next skyscraper or sports arena your city or state builds. Let’s say the projected construction cost is 800 million dollars. Just reducing our engineering and architecture costs by paying these illegal Slavic engineers forty-five cents an hour reduces the projected cost to 450 million dollars.
I realize, Dear Reader, you’re probably giddy with delight seeing these savings and envisioning a reduction in your taxes. However, to paraphrase America’s ass-wipe Michael Moore, “You ain’t seen nothing yet!” How many millions of the total cost is for kickbacks and special perks your politicians get for approving the project? Yes indeed, for in that original $800,000,000 projection was a hundred million in legal fees to make certain every politician got a little gravy from the con to give to lawyer relatives and banker friends. You know, the same guys that donate to your politician’s re-election fund. However, by going to the UIIAA or United Illegal Indian Attorney Association, those legal fees can be reduced to roughly eighty-six dollars by hiring one hundred-four pound, if stripped down to his diaper, Ekanga Patel.
With this saving we’ve now reduced our projected cost to 350 million dollars. The next step is to have the media falsely announce—no problem for them–President Bush has divined the twin sister of Katrina to hit our city in an effort to kill off some more black people. This ploy will lure minimally a million Mexican laborers into town over the next two days. At two dollars a day the projected labor costs of our construction drops from 250 million to about fifty million meaning our total cost for the originally estimated 800 million dollar project is now only 150 million dollars. At this point the rich Republican owning the construction company receives a more reasonable if deflated profit and the crooked politicians can fight among themselves for the greatly reduced spoils.
Actors
As you realize I’ve only used up twelve million smart illegals to offset the twenty million uneducated illegals. At this point it becomes more difficult to select which class of educated illegals will most benefit the middle class and poor. I’ve noticed ticket movie ticket prices and the cost of popcorn are too high. Additionally, while television remains free, we see entirely too many commercials.
Bringing in 150,000 illegal Jamaicans to be actors and actresses should suffice. They speak English so we’ll understand them. Additionally, most are a shade somewhere between our Slavic, Indian and Mexican illegals so they shouldn’t feel singled out in society.
Best yet, no working actor would mind losing his job and going on unemployment if we selected HIV infected Jamaicans. Hollywood’s spawn has long assured us they worship minorities and blacks deserve special-equality benefits. Combine the causes of black-AIDS infected Jamaicans and our actors can actually prove they believe in the politically correct slogans they spew during each celebrity interview.
Think about how much you had to pay for your last movie ticket. What did the headliner earn? Five million smackeroes or something like that? What if that same movie stared Humphrey Hawthorne Lancaster, III from the island at a cost of six hundred dollars? Now, reduce all the other supporting actors and actresses salaries accordingly and you’ve quickly reduced that thirty million dollar block buster movie cost down to six hundred thousand bucks. And exactly what does Joe Citizen get from this? How about a ticket for thirty-five cents and a fifteen cent bag of popcorn?
Currently, most half-hour television shows air twenty-two minutes of story and eight minutes of commercial. If we replace those TV stars with Jamaicans earning twenty-two dollars a week and a bit of crack, we’ve suddenly got twenty-nine minutes of story and a minute for commercials and public service announcements. Pretty damn good deal, and a Jamaican’s not going to be all over the cover of every damn magazine moaning about global warming.
Judges
Get rid of all of them. Every damn one, except for the Supreme Court. We don’t even need to bring Indian Judges into the country thanks to modern technology. Judge work can be outsourced. The Indian Judge can preside over the court from the comfort of his home in New Delhi thanks to satellite technology. I figure American court cases can be outsourced as piece work to save even more money. Pay a starving Indian Judge about eight dollars a case and he’ll keep it moving so he can get to another case more quickly. You think about it. If he can run twenty cases a week through his living room, that’s one hundred sixty dollars American without the cost for travel.
Another benefit is he’ll often be presiding when illegal Indian lawyers are arguing the cases. It’ll make our illegal attorney’s feel like they haven’t strayed far from the Ganges. An additional perk to speed the piece work aspect of Indian Judges earning their eight dollars is the jury will never have to leave the room. When there’s a question of law there will be no need for side bars. The attorneys and judge can speak in Hindu or Bengali and get it over with and move on.
Oh, the Supreme Court, I almost forgot. I’d open it up to everyone in the world. In most third world countries, including France, people know judges take kickbacks. We need to encourage this belief about our Supreme Court and assign the Vice President to accept bribes for seats on our court. I’d suggest the VP keep twenty percent, and the remainder applied to welfare for unemployed, native born American lawyers, engineers and actors. Once we raked in the money, these illegal, foreign immigrant Supreme Court Justices would quickly realize they couldn’t make much from bribes for cases like Willie Jackson suing the penitentiary over his right to throw urine on a guard. With the sad realization these guys were making more in the old country selling favors, they’d resign their seats. A hard working VP, with a back ground in sales, could resell a seat six times a year.
Congress
If there’s anywhere the United States needs illegal aliens it is as Representatives in Congress. The average Congressman and Senator gets pay, retirement benefits and other perks that make oil tycoons envious, and I’m not even including access to women and legalized stealing. My only two questions are: why the FBI didn’t look in every Congressional freezer, and why William Jefferson only had ninety thousand in cold cash on hand. So we need 535 foreigners to replace our Congress. The more illiterate the better it will be for the taxpayer. We should scan the deserts for nomads and the jungles for tribesmen. I believe with careful selection these fellows can become rich at twenty-five bucks a month during a term if we allow them to sleep in their Congressional offices. This move would immediately end the cost of all lobbyists and Congressional staffers. Paying natives a few hundred dollars a term should save billions of dollars, but that wouldn’t be the only plus.
I understand there are over 7,000 languages in the world. If we select correctly we should be able to staff Congress with 535 people that have no common language. This simple move to Babel will prevent them from getting together behind closed doors to pass any legislation or negotiate scams. Admittedly they’ll still get behind closed doors to bar-be-cue the occasional goat or shrink a head despite their language differences. Still, that’s a small price for the animal activist to pay for saving the nation billions.
Physicians
I went to the emergency room last week and waited eleven hours to receive five stitches. The week before that I went to the doctor at ten in the morning like my appointment said. The physician saw me a little after one that afternoon. I’m not real slow, and I quickly deduced if there were more physicians vying for jobs it would reduce my waiting time. I thought about that when the outrageous bills arrived. I said to myself, “Hell, if we had enough docs, my visits might have cost five or six dollars.”
Yes, Dear Reader, we need to put out a world wide call for illegal immigrant physicians. It wouldn’t take much. My liberal friends tell me just ninety miles from the mainland is the island of Cuba. They say that socialist paradise has the best medical care system in the entire world, and every sixth citizen is a highly trained medical specialist. You put that together with what my conservative friends point out, that Cuban physicians earn eight dollars a month. A mind-numbing possibility, ain’t it?
Any fool can see we need illegal physicians in this country as quickly as possible. With a simple announcement we’ll have Cuban doctors commandeering the inner tubes from Cuban bicycle mechanics and cane cutters for the short float to Miami. Just think about the lower medical costs when you can get a qualified Cuban to do an appendectomy for nineteen dollars and forty cents.
As I think back to my eleven-hour wait in the emergency room with six other people and sixty empty chairs I can clearly envision the coming of illegal physicians. I’d walk into the waiting room and no other wounded or ill Americans would be there. Instead between forty-five and sixty needy Cuban physicians would be sitting in those chairs waiting to do the jobs American physicians won’t do. Without the need of preliminary paperwork, from across the room, each and every one of them would have diagnosed my situation immediately.
Dr. Garcia would step forward holding an alcohol soaked sponge and say, “Señior, I wheel clean the wound for seven cents.”
Dr. Torrez would shout across the room, “I do small cleanings for three cents.”
After Torrez cleaned the cut there would be another half dozen Cuban physicians holding needles threaded with cat gut bidding on the sewing. I’d settle on Dr. Ortega when he pointed out his Spanish nickname was “Good Stitch” in Havana and the other Cubans hung back shamefully recognizing his expertise and superior technique. For fifteen cents a stitch I’d be sewn up and on my way home in less than eleven minutes versus the eleven hours required now. I’d expect Dr. Ortega to make a house call the following week to remove the stitches for a buck-fifty.
Hopefully for his, her or its own sake, the liberal has recognized how sophisticated and intellectual the author is. When the media claims someone is intellectual, you’re to blindly follow them. Therefore, my little socialist darlings, write your comrades in Cuba and tell them to come on over. Conservatives, if you have a Representative betraying us over illegal immigration printing this article and shoving it up their—yes indeed—might stimulate a pro-American thought.
“Published originally at EtherZone.com : republication allowed with this notice and hyperlink intact.”